Making Music by catsmeowb

Making Music

Family traditions: looking back on my life, I remember polishing the silver before holidays and I knew that we might have my step-sister and her son, Morris, for dinner, if my Mom was speaking to her. That was always up in the air. There were traditional foods for the holiday meals and my sister and I were allowed to watch those specials on television, which was a real treat as our tv viewing was very restricted.

It was not until I was older and out of the house that I understood that holidays can be noisy and joyful. But my parents were not like that. They were quiet and restrained at all times and expected us to be, also. It was difficult for me to act so. I was always bouncing off the walls, constantly chattering away, asking questions and dancing to rock music so my father gave me headphones to save his own sanity. I decided at a young age it was music that caused the problem of communication between the generations and that I would raise my own children, when I had them, on rock 'n roll AND the classics and solve this issue. Of course, it turns out that two of my boys love country! Oh yuck! LOL at my theory. But, we all love music, we play together either with real instruments or with play ones like this after a family meal. A tradition born years ago and one that will surely last long into the future. Awesome when Holly and Laura grab a microphone and start singing along. The family is growing, the music is horrible, and we all love it and each other.

That is Shawn in the blue, our oldest grandson. He Has been been having a really rough year, on a sort of roller-coaster ride since his bio-mom looked him up and now he feels he is not deserving of the life he has. He has been struggling and now, he is is in rehab. We had an early Thanksgiving dinner, at his request, before he entered. He purposely took too much over-the-counter cough medicine so he could hallucinate. He did it one night and then the next morning - while at school. He claims it was just for fun and was doing this with a friend. The reasons he was doing drugs are many and we, in the family, disagree about them so it is really good he is where he is although he is not participating in the program at this time. All we can do is hope and pray he smartens up, recognizes he has choices and that he made the choices that resulted in him arriving at the hospital emergency room not knowing that he got there in an ambulance.

Our family tradtion is to love unconditionally. The family I came from did not. Looking back, I know I changed the peridigm of what I grew up with, that gnawing uncertainty of 'what now' that always hung over me. I always knew if I messed up, the doors were not only closed, they were locked. Shawn does not have that fear. We are here with open arms, when he is ready. We will make more music.
nice photo Camille nice story from the Music side and sad about your Grandson being in a re hab hope things work out ok for him
November 6th, 2012  
@gerry thank you very much, Gerry. we all hope things work out for Shawn but at this point, it is all up to him. We can't do it for him. He believes he does not have an problem so is sitting back, sort of taking a vacation. I am a firm believer that forced rehab does not work and his school made him go. I also believe he went to school high on purpose, knowing he would get thrown out of school. People only have to stay in rehab long enough to dry out then they can leave. Shawn's parents now have to decide if they will allow him to come home if he chooses to sign himself out, which will happen this weekend when they go to visit. I have been through this with my ex-husband and my brother. Although not everyone is the same, patterns emerge. Shawn was "talking the talk" before he even went in. He had already gotten info from friends who had gone through the program and knew all about it. He was calm, collected, and the only thing he seemed concerned about was being away from home for an extended period because he would miss his dog. Does not feeel he has hurt anyone but himself by doing drugs or alcohol. But then, too many forget about alcohol when they think about drugs.
November 6th, 2012  
Your grandson sounds like the perfect candidate to do a year long daily post about what he is thankful for. For whatever reason he is on a path of distruction and he really needs to be refocusing on the things in his life that matters. Maybe at the moment he doens't see much. I pray he finds his way.
November 6th, 2012  
Lovely shot Camille; you have the right attitude you can do no more than love unconditionally
November 6th, 2012  
@dmortega thank you, Dorrena. we are hopeful but trying to remain realistic. at this point in his therapy, he should be naming 'harms' he has done to himself and others due to his drug and alcohol use. he has talked about one he did to himself but can't think of one way he has harmed anyone - not even his parents - by using. not worry, family fights, property destruction. nothing. so, he is completely stalled in his treatment. he has attachment disorder, which his counselor is trained in, thankfully. very removed from his emotions, as many children who have been abused are and he was horribly and is the reason he was removed from his bio-home when he was five. jay adopted him when he was eight. the home he was living in for three years told him they were going to be his new mommy and daddy but knowing his background of sexual molestation, deciding he would grow up 'gay' and didn't want a 'fag' in their family so rejected him. as soon as a home was found for him, they wanted him back. but, the father figure was mean to him and purposely scared him. i can't believe the system left him there for three years. he was not even allowed to go home from school - had to go other foster homes, and also on weekends. now, Shawn feels he does not deserve what he has or that we might just disappear on him. testing, testing all the time. he will find we are here and not going anywhere. no matter what he does. attachment disorder causes behavior that tests relationships - like, so, how do you love me now? THIS MUCH. he is where he needs to be whether he thinks so or not. tough on him, tough on us, tougher on his parents, i think. they are going through hell.
November 6th, 2012  
@claireuk thank you so much, Claire. unconditional love was not a concept i was raised with; in fact, it was the exact opposite. i was told if i brought embrarrarment to my parent's door, i could never come home, that reputation is everything. i remeber my father telling me he loved me once, when he was 86 years old. my stepmother never did. she told me i talked to my children too much - then, when they were older, told me the reason my family is close and my boys are awesome, is because i talk to my children. go figure.
November 6th, 2012  
I am no professional, for sure, but being thanful inspires empathy. When we are thankful for even the smallest of things, we can make it through the next moment. By not feeling he deserves good in his life, he won't accept it. Gratitude allows him to accept there is good in his life. It's the reason we do volunteer work around this time of year. By focusing on helping others we understand the reality of the commercial side of the holidays. It keeps us grounded. He's had a rough road so far but he has the power to make his own path, if he chooses. I pray for understanding to open his heart.
November 6th, 2012  
@dmortega i agree. he is a fine young man, simply disconnected at the moment. empathy is an issue - i recall a person with this disorder being described as having to decide whether or not they liked someone, that they didn't feel it, didn't know, they had to stop, think about, rationalize it. it was a process. no automatic emotional response. that had been shut down as protection because at some point, attachment had been disrupted. a baby cries, a person hopefully responds. if that response is always the same, or close to the same, the baby forms a healthy attachment - it is like teaching colors. you show a person a blue pen and say blue. tomorrow you show her the same blue pen and say, blue, the next day and so on until the person knows the pen is, indeed, blue. but, what if you tried to say, no, the pen sometimes was red, but you showed the same blue pen? the person would be confused. if you are the person who goes to respond to the crying baby, and sometimes you are nice, sometimes mean, sometimes abusive, sometimes you don't respond at all. . . the baby learns, in the crib, there is no one to trust. that the one person in the world who is supposed to care for the most basic needs like food, cleanliness, warmth, comfort, is not reliable. and attachment disorder takes root.
November 6th, 2012  
I understand that. Learning to trust takes time and commitment. He's still young and there is hope.
November 6th, 2012  
@dmortega most certainly. even if he was old and grey, i would still hold onto hope. thank you so, so much, Dorrena, for listening, for being supportive. means much.
November 6th, 2012  
shawn and my son have the same problem. my son thinks i am just the mommy-auntie who took pity and raised him. he's always questioning why his mother left him. he does not understand that it was for the better; he grew up for the better. he blames my sister for her leaving her and resulted in his broken marriage. i am blamed by the family that i spoiled him, i didn't. maybe i expected too much because i myself worked hard to have something from having nothing. my son is so engrossed on why he was abandoned, not why he was nurtured. until they realize that their happiness lies within them, they will be always be unhappy and never contented. with your love and understanding hopefully shawn recovers for good.
November 7th, 2012  
@summerfield thank you so very, very much for your kindness. jason, my oldest, has been distant towards me ever since he made contact with his bio-dad which was around the same time my own father died. it seems to all be tied into the loss of inheritance issue, too, but we have never discussed it as it was mine, not his. he seemed very surprised that shawn asked for a family dinner before he went to rehab; i told him it shows how important we ALL are to shawn and that although we think we can do things on our own, we can't. it takes all of us and that shawn, in reaching out to us before he left, was showing us that he not only loves us but needs us and that he needs to smarten up and open up. no one is an island, not even big, smart men like him. he believe he heard me.
November 7th, 2012  
Leave a Comment
Sign up for a free account or Sign in to post a comment.