The word of the day is “unusual.” I stayed on the look-out all day for something unusual, something surreal even, but everything looked ordinary to my eyes. So, towards evening, I decided to just snap a picture and play with it for a bit. For some reason, I started thinking about the fallacy of uniqueness. The fallacy is the psychological feature of human thought which predisposes us to believe that our troubles are unusual, that our obstacles are bigger, and that the common solutions other people have found for these sorts of troubles just won’t work for our completely unique situation. You know those conversations that you have with people in which they tell you their troubles, you start to problem solve with them, and they shoot down every avenue you propose? After a while, you realize that the conversation does not stem from a desire to alter the situation, but rather from a desire to share their troubles, perhaps even a desire to enshrine the dire nature of their unsolvable problems.
When I first became aware that my friends didn’t really want to make anything better, I felt a certain disdain and superiority, as well as a sense of relief, no longer on the hook to find the perfect solution. Later, I realized that I did the same thing, though of course my own situations were uniquely difficult. Now I believe that best thing to do is to listen really hard and to make a conscious effort to avoid anything that sounds like advice, especially with younger people. Talk about a difficult acting exercise! And sometimes I just can’t help myself. I have to offer advice because the solution is so simple and obvious. When one of the boys called the other day to rant about an eviction notice that made no sense since they had paid the rent, had a receipt for the last month and everything! The landlord should be sued! The boy told me he was going to go up there and punch them. He was going to take them to court. They needed to be sued about the cockroaches. He was going to drink his anger away. Maybe some drinking had already occurred because I’m remembering the rant as completely illogical. I couldn’t help myself. “What you have to do is talk with the landlord tomorrow and find out what is the issue. If you guys are up to date on the rent, maybe there’s a bookkeeping error. You have a lease. You have a receipt for the rent. This will work out.” “THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO EVICT ME. I’M NOT GONNA TALK TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES ME TO COURT! I’M going TO SUE THEM. WHY DID THEY SEND ME THIS?!!!” “What you need to do is call the landlord tomorrow and get more information. You need to be somewhat puzzled and start from the premise that everything can be worked out.” “I CAN’T WORK ANYTHING OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS TAKING ME TO COURT!” “Ok, goodnight. You can’t make any decision until you call the landlord tomorrow and get more information.” I hung up. A series of text messages followed only one of which I answered. (Guess what it said: talk to the landlord tomorrow.) The next day they did go visit the landlord, found out that they were missing $180 from a rent several months back (that had been paid in cash through the night dropbox …lesson learned about that I hope). The matter was easily resolved. (And, yes, I believe that a personal communication from the landlord might have been a better business procedure than filing with the magistrate, but that is apparently the way of many landlords, and it certainly got the attention of my boy and his roommates.)
That is probably an extreme example, but the dynamic of problem description, offered solution, rejected solution and reiteration of problem description is all the more apparent in the almost cartoon like quality of that conversation. Supposedly, if you let people talk long enough and if you are a good enough listener, people will find the solutions they need and will tell them to you! That sounds like being a psychotherapist, however, not like being a friend. So mostly I just say whatever is on my mind. But the insight is still useful to let you know that you don't have to share the share the dire emotion or take responsibility for fixing the situation, however unique it might be.
Super capture. Indeed sometimes one just needs to be available to listen whilst someone else rants and not offer any advice, or at least not until the rant is over and emotions are more in check.
Beautiful and unique photo! I like how you played with it to come up with this presentation. I also like your discourse about human problems. Very informative.
