I think services are giving up on me and I've already given up on myself so I feel utterly defeated.
I had a dietitian appointment this morning which was okay, I guess. She's really nice (though she is leaving), but I just don't feel able to manage much at all right now, so I don't know how/if I'm going to be able to do what she said to do.
Then this afternoon I had an appointment with my CPN, and the ED person, and it was horrible. I left it and cried all the way home, and then for an hour or so once I got home (which is quite an achievement tbh because my meds have made it near on impossible to cry since they were increased).
N (ED person who’s just come back off sick) said I am in the same position that I was 6 months ago (I'm probably in a worse position, but things did improve for a while before declining again so it feels a bit unfair to say that). She kept asking what I want out of the service, but I don't want anything right now except to be asleep all the time, so she said my mood was low (I've been trying to tell them this for weeks/months/years) and I need to see the psych, but I’m already seeing her tomorrow (finally, they haven't reviewed my meds since March). I got the 'your mood will be low if you don’t eat’ lecture, again. She basically kept saying that whatever they’re doing isn’t working and that I’m not implementing any changes and they can’t force me to eat in the community so what is the service actually providing for me.
She said I have to get my weight done by the GP on Friday because it’s negligent of them not to (I’ve escaped it since June because it's unhelpful and I don't know why they keep telling me my weight doesn't matter then demand to know it). And that I have to get it done regularly as an ‘outcome measure’. She said I’m lucky my bloods are in range.
She asked what I’d been doing with J (CPN). So I started to explain, and J helped a bit, but she pretty much swept away anything I have done because food isn’t good.
Then she started on what food I can eat and said I have to do a meal plan and give it to J tomorrow and then eat it and they would 'pick up the pieces’, and I wanted to scream at her because they didn’t when I tried last time.
She told me that they can’t work on any of the 'stuff’ if I don’t eat, because the 'stuff’ doesn’t happen if I don’t eat.
With the meal planning thing, she said I have to have porridge for breakfast and a ready meal for tea, and then kept asking what I could have for lunch and I was like I do not know I haven’t eaten lunch since I was 12, but apparently that doesn’t mean you get to skip lunch. They both kept looking at me and I couldn’t think and wanted to cry. I swear even normal people would struggle to think of lunch ideas when they’re put on the spot and their head is spinning.
Then she started going on about fortisips and how I should have them in general and for lunch and I said I couldn’t have them because they had milk in and you can’t clean milk (which they disagreed with, but I don't believe you can clean a liquid because you can't scrub it) so then she said I have to ask the GP for fortijuices and have them (but I don't want them because they remind me of Mum dying and also I'm scared of juice).
I’m seeing them together again in 5 weeks and she wants significant changed by then. I think they’re going to discharge me because I don’t think I can do all of the things that they are asking. Because I just can’t deal with life/being alive/anything.
Basically everything is awful and I feel defeated.