I think services are giving up on me and I've already given up on myself so I feel utterly defeated.

I had a dietitian appointment this morning which was okay, I guess. She's really nice (though she is leaving), but I just don't feel able to manage much at all right now, so I don't know how/if I'm going to be able to do what she said to do.

Then this afternoon I had an appointment with my CPN, and the ED person, and it was horrible. I left it and cried all the way home, and then for an hour or so once I got home (which is quite an achievement tbh because my meds have made it near on impossible to cry since they were increased).

N (ED person who’s just come back off sick) said I am in the same position that I was 6 months ago (I'm probably in a worse position, but things did improve for a while before declining again so it feels a bit unfair to say that). She kept asking what I want out of the service, but I don't want anything right now except to be asleep all the time, so she said my mood was low (I've been trying to tell them this for weeks/months/years) and I need to see the psych, but I’m already seeing her tomorrow (finally, they haven't reviewed my meds since March). I got the 'your mood will be low if you don’t eat’ lecture, again. She basically kept saying that whatever they’re doing isn’t working and that I’m not implementing any changes and they can’t force me to eat in the community so what is the service actually providing for me.

She said I have to get my weight done by the GP on Friday because it’s negligent of them not to (I’ve escaped it since June because it's unhelpful and I don't know why they keep telling me my weight doesn't matter then demand to know it). And that I have to get it done regularly as an ‘outcome measure’. She said I’m lucky my bloods are in range.

She asked what I’d been doing with J (CPN). So I started to explain, and J helped a bit, but she pretty much swept away anything I have done because food isn’t good.

Then she started on what food I can eat and said I have to do a meal plan and give it to J tomorrow and then eat it and they would 'pick up the pieces’, and I wanted to scream at her because they didn’t when I tried last time.

She told me that they can’t work on any of the 'stuff’ if I don’t eat, because the 'stuff’ doesn’t happen if I don’t eat.

With the meal planning thing, she said I have to have porridge for breakfast and a ready meal for tea, and then kept asking what I could have for lunch and I was like I do not know I haven’t eaten lunch since I was 12, but apparently that doesn’t mean you get to skip lunch. They both kept looking at me and I couldn’t think and wanted to cry. I swear even normal people would struggle to think of lunch ideas when they’re put on the spot and their head is spinning.

Then she started going on about fortisips and how I should have them in general and for lunch and I said I couldn’t have them because they had milk in and you can’t clean milk (which they disagreed with, but I don't believe you can clean a liquid because you can't scrub it) so then she said I have to ask the GP for fortijuices and have them (but I don't want them because they remind me of Mum dying and also I'm scared of juice).

I’m seeing them together again in 5 weeks and she wants significant changed by then. I think they’re going to discharge me because I don’t think I can do all of the things that they are asking. Because I just can’t deal with life/being alive/anything.

Basically everything is awful and I feel defeated.
You should not feel defeated, your art is amazing, you have a very good eye for composition and presentation
posted January 11th, 2017  
Don't feel defeated. You're doing your photos, and you're writing. Your composition is wonderful with this one. You covey such a sense of presence, even without the eyes. I hope you will continue to post.
posted January 11th, 2017  
Naomi, right now I am sitting with you holding your hand giving you any strength I can. I might say the wrong thing for you, but I can only speak from my crazy head. My mum and step dad took their own lives, so I know the pain of losing your mum. Earlier this year I didn't want to stay another minute on this planet, it all hurt too much. I'm here holding your hand because 3 people held mine remotely to get me through that day I owe them forever. I read recently suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. PLEASE don't give up. I remember the eating plans I was given earlier this year and how impossible it seems to get anywhere near the ridiculous seeming amount of foods I was expected to eat. Some days I can, some days I can't. But each day it's worth a try. I know how crazy anorexia monsters are in you head. Please stay with the service, keep having help towards remission, you are too young to be totally consumed by this xxxx
posted January 11th, 2017  
@pixiemac beautiful!

i cant speak from experience, i dont have the issues you face, but i also know what it is like to have a loved one give up... as Tracy nearly did .. we are here for you in the only way we can be, just encouraging you to see something good every day. xxxx
posted January 11th, 2017  
One day at a time, hang in there. 🌷
posted January 12th, 2017  
Sending you caring, loving thoughts, Naomi; and keeping you in my prayers. Never give up! There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. For one thing, you can be thankful for your camera. It helps you express yourself and create beautiful images that many people enjoy. You can also be thankful for your talent for writing. You are quite good at it. One day at a time...sometimes one minute at a time...onward! Brighter days are ahead!
posted January 12th, 2017  
If I was close I'd give you a big ol' hug - although that usually just repulses most people. ;-) Your images are certainly fascinating and I hope that you find your participation and our interactions to be of some help.
posted January 12th, 2017  
posted January 12th, 2017  
Vertual hug, I can't read through all your problems because for the past 23 years we have lived with similar problems with my daughter. Suffice to say they got her meds sorted and she has been a lot happier and able to cope with life now for quite a few years, she found a loving partner and is very settled. So keep on fighting you will get there in the end.
posted January 12th, 2017  
Hi Naomi - Im not catching up every day so missed yesterdays entry. So sorry you had such a rotton day. I completely understand what you are saying about the fortisips and your mum - I would feel the same and Im not anorexic. Keep posting here and take all the support you can get from this lovely community. Also, because we enjoy seeing your great photos.
posted January 12th, 2017  
@hjbenson Thank you Xxx
@tracys Thank you - I definitely plan to continue posting, even on rubbish days!
@pixiemac Thank you so much for sharing so honestly. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum and step Dad. I can't begin to imagine how hard that must have been/be. I hope you're doing as okay as can be Xxx
@kali66 Thank you Xxx
@slash That's the plan! X
@janetb Thank you - you are so right, even on rubbish days there are things to be thankful for.
@stray_shooter Haha I let people hug me if they give me warning beforehand :') It really is helpful to offload and receive such kind responses
@craftymeg It's wonderful to hear your daughter is doing so much better. It gives me hope :)
@helenhall Thank you so much. Yes the fortisips/juices thing is a battle I'm going to have to face...
posted January 12th, 2017  
Don't feel defeated. Some days are better than others and I guess it was mentioned to start juicing. In that, you will feel so much better. Good luck to you!
posted January 12th, 2017  
Sorry to hear you are feeling defeated. I hope things start to look better for you soon
posted January 15th, 2017  
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