Gagging Order by swillinbillyflynn

Gagging Order

An entry for this week's fiveplustwo-editorial theme.

Although I have been involved with various publications and magazines in the past, I have never been called upon to write any sort of editorial comment.

This is probably no surprise to those who know me, because I tend to be quite forthright, honest, and direct with my writing. I have a tenancy to break taboos, tell home truths and kick over hornet's nests.

However, when we ran the shop I used to send out regular newsletters to several thousand devoted fans and my monthly rants became quite famous for a while. Obviously with no one to restrain me, the usual gagging order was lifted and I was given free rein to publish whatever I wanted to say.

I have attached one of the milder and less controversial rants below for those who are interested in such things.

Excerpt from The Lavender Pillow "Rantorama" newsletter July 2012.

So what has amused me this month…. Well…… For those of you who want the latest iPod gadgets..... there is now the iBuzz. This is a device which connects to your iPod and vibrates in time with the music you are listening to..... I will not get too graphic here but I'm sure you know what it's for..... So all of those ladies who used to get turned on by Frank Sinatra crooning a slow ballad..... forget it... you will from now on be more likely to be turned on by Lemmy and Motorhead blasting through "The Ace of Spades"........ I feel "The flight of the bumble Bee" may make a sudden surge up the download charts. Then there is "the 1812 overture" you just gotta love those cannons.... I would personally recommend The Dark Angel CD by yours truly .... the track called Nightlife has a fast piano triplet running through it that some may find quite titillating.... and there are some huge kettledrums on a track called “Point of no return” which should make the earth move for you.... After all I have always worked hard to ensure complete customer satisfaction with my music......

And what has wound me up?……. Well it's things beeping at me....... Given the wealth of sounds available to us like birdsong, like the sound of a babbling brook, a haunting Asus4 chord gently strummed on an a mandolin, the sound of a gentle breeze rustling through a clump of bamboo. The cry of a distant wolf. the sound of waves lapping on a rocky beach. A violin section crescendo.... so what sound do manufacturers constantly use to get your attention.... BEEP! Why? it is the most irritating and uninspired sound ever made. Have you ever counted the number of beeps you hear throughout the day..... It starts with the alarm clock beeping incessantly at you until you get fed up hitting the snooze button and finally hurl it across the room. It always manages to emit one final sad strangled beep as it finally expires. So before your feet even hit the floor, you have already been beeped at about 150 times ..... Then you get up....Those of you with new sexy toothbrushes and shavers with on board processors will no doubt be beeped at several more times before you even get dressed. Then you sort out breakfast which can involve multiple beeps from various kitchen items like microwaves, cookers, toasters and even kettles....beeps from the TV remote when you check the weather report. you set the toaster on too high a setting and the smoke alarm goes off subjecting you to several thousand beeps until you manage to beat it into submission with a stick. you check your phone for any messages beep beep beep........ you check your computer for any new emails beep beep bloody beep. The burglar alarm beeps as you set it on your way out. Your car beeps when you unlock the door with the remote locking key. You get in the car and it beeps while you reverse out of the garage... it then beeps because you have opened the driver’s door with the engine running when you go to close the garage door. You switch the car radio on only to find that they are playing some piece of turgid pop music by someone with a synthesiser which is capable of making a myriad of amazing sounds but all this muppet has managed to extract form it is a series of tuneless beeping noises....the ticket machine at the car park beeps at you as it dispenses the ticket. You get to work and every bloody thing you touch beeps at you, computers, phones, coffee machines. food vending machines, calculators, machinery, fork lift trucks, delivery trucks, lifts, automatic doors, intercoms, pagers. That odd machine in the corner of the factory, nobody knows what it does or why it's there but it has several impressive flashing lights and it beeps evey 37 seconds ...... then at the end of a busy beeping day you are totally beeped out. you get back into your beeping car and pay the beeping car park machine..... which insists on rejecting one of your pound coins no matter how many times you try to insert it and it beeps everytime it does so. You drive home but you have to wait for a bus to reverse which doesn’t so much beep…… instead it makes a sound rather like Darth Vader repeatedly trying to cough up a fur ball. You stop off at the supermarket on the way home. You use the beeping cashpoint machine on your way in and then you are subjected to a whole row of incessantly beeping checkouts and the machine that is supposed to prevent people leaving the shop without paying constantly beeps at everyone whether they have paid or not.... The security staff have by now learned to take no notice if it's beeping but haven't thought of just turning the bloody thing off. Back into the beeping car and you have to stop to let pedestrians cross at a beeping pelican crossing. Then you are back to your beeping garage where you park the beeping car. turn off the beeping burglar alarm. You cook your tea on the beeping cooker with its beeping extractor hood you put the dishes in the beeping dishwasher and put the beeping washing machine on and watch the beeping TV with the beeping remote control, while your kids play computer games in the background which emit more beeps than everything else put together.. And what's on the TV..... a bloody roadrunner cartoon... Beep Beep whoosh...... and then it's time for bed and as your head hits the pillow you reach out and reset the beeping alarm clock feeling like you have come full beeping circle. But at least the beeping is ended for today...... Then you hear a faint beep as your wife turns her ipod on...... As you drift off to sleep you wonder why she has been listening to so much Motorhead on her iPod lately when you always thought she was more of a Frank Sinatra fan.
Hahaha I love it! The photo, first of all, is wonderful: beautiful lighting, amazing colors, and all those accessories are awesome - not to mention your actual 'editorial' illustration with the duct-taped mouth. But oh I agree on all the beeping. I am grateful for some of the technology out there of course but overall I am much more old-fashioned at heart... it's good to see you play :) I hope the summer is treating you and Kitty gently (not too many tiring gigs!).
August 5th, 2018  
Leave a Comment
Sign up for a free account or Sign in to post a comment.