A good conversation has layers and tendrils and meandering paths while simultaneously remaining completely focused. A good conversation has a life of its own. The conversers get to participate in its life even as they create and sustain it. For some reason, I find telephones quite conducive to good conversation. There is something about the absence of visuals that requires exactly the right amount of focus and concentration on the content of the words. And there is enough tone to catch nuance, as opposed to conversing with, say instant messaging systems. There, a person must be a really good writer to convey their tone, and even then, must be completely trustworthy to both you and themselves as it is much easier to misrepresent oneself using written words than it is using spoken words. I know, a good actor can represent himself in any way he/she chooses.
I have conflicted ideas about the word “actor.” On the one hand, the word could be used to describe a person who is putting on a false front. That’s a negative version, when acting is used to misrepresent reality. On the other hand, however, the word could be used to describe a person who is choosing what he wants to be and is performing the acts required to be that person. Acting is the essence of life itself … until one is quite old, when I’ve heard that there might be a transition from acting to being. But that is a different matter. In this sense, to think of someone as an “actor” is quite positive. The concept differentiates perhaps those who merely react to the world like the Pillsbury doughboy from those who act in and on the world.
But this doesn’t explain why telephone conversations sustain and intensify naturally. I’m not saying that good conversations don’t happen in person! Not at all. I have many wonderful in-person conversations, some short, some that go on for hours and hours, some at the dinner table, some at the park. But for me, the distractions of location, what is coming next, what my interlocutor wants to do, what my interlocutor is feeling, etc. are so powerful that it can be quite a bit more difficult to enter into that enviable state of intense yet free-flowing conversation.
Not everyone takes naturally to the phone. With one of my sons, phone conversations are stilted and awkward, full of long pauses where I just can’t tell if I should introduce a new subject, if my conversational overtures have just been tossed aside, if we just reached the natural end of a line of thought, or if we are pausing to gather thoughts on the subject at hand. Now, some blame can be placed on my son’s predilection for multi-screen multi-tasking. I’ve had more than one occasion to demand, “are you doing something on the computer?” when a conversation was failing to take life. But even when the computer and all other screens are put aside, conversing by phone is not always the easiest with this boy.
He does know how to hold a conversation. Not everyone does, as conversing is, in fact, a skill that must be learned and practiced. But I know he can talk because we have taken many car journeys together. In the car, especially with just the two of us, we have had fabulous conversations. Talking in a moving car has many similarities with talking on the phone. One is completely concentrated on voice and liberated from the demands (and joys, for that matter) of eye contact. Also, you can’t go anywhere, so there is no underlying question of how long will we be sitting here or how we will decide it is time to go somewhere else.
I've found also that washing dishes together can be amazing with conversations. Also as you say, in the car. I'm not a telephone person - prefer to see the person when conversing. An interesting subject, - you have covered it very well!
Fascinating discourse. I am in total agreement as regards conversations in the car, but I have disliked telephone conversations always. I understand the value of the points you make, but for the large part, I regard telephone conversations as little more than interruptions. I think, perhaps, I am not a sociable animal at all.
My sons are so-so on the phone. Some conversations are good, others quick. But we always had great conversations in the car. I sort of miss those! Excellent essay. Although I confess, I'd rather talk in person- in the car!
Great commentary to start a conversation...I prefer a phone conversation when I have low energy...laying on the couch but still give the conversation enough attention. When I'm energized, I prefer person to person(s) conversation to watch body language, facial expressions, reading between the lines :).
@maggiemae i never thought of that. It's true that talking while washing dishes is extremely similar to talking while driving.... of course i absolutely love to talk on the phone while cooking!
