I’ve wanted to incorporate into a photo this card I keep tacked on my cork board in my office, and my get-pushed challenge "to celebrate [my] love of words in pictures - open to however [I] choose to interpret that" gives me that opportunity. I’m not exactly sure why I keep this note in front of me each day, but I know I tell myself that it is because I should to be mindful that not everyone sees me the way I might want to be seen.
I’m certain I would not like to receive a note like this one again—something about it being written down, permanent, without signature, but passed from the writer’s hand into mine so there was no mistaking who wrote it. The irony of the whole thing is that I received this note on an evening after completing my second year of Education for Ministry (EfM), and our class had been asked to exchange cards to one another celebrating each other’s spiritual gifts.
I’ll admit, it was painful upon receipt. I had opened other cards that told me I was thoughtful, discerning, caring, diligent, scholarly, humorous…then, I saw this. Words, words that weren’t ones I associated with my personality (other than intelligent and well-read—). But even those words did not seem used as gifts. They were pawns, sugar before absinthe.
This was years ago. I never went back to EfM. My husband and I hit a financial crisis soon after I ended my second year (there are four years to completion), and it had been a struggle to attend classes on nights I could have been tutoring and bringing in much needed income, so I quit to do what was needed at the time. I had quit the church in that second year before quitting EfM (much longer story), but I did desire finishing my EfM work. Perhaps that is why I really keep the note—it was a sign of a direction I needed to go—putting a period on a painful chapter of my life. I needed a place of solace, a place of grace. When people ask why I “left the church,” I just respond truthfully, “it is no longer a place of comfort for me.”
That card had to be tough to receive (well photographed, though!). I left my church after a very painful period of time. We went to another church and healed for a while, without any commitment. Now, about 18 years later, we are firmly entrenched in that church. It is such a different environment--very friendly and loving. Each church is made up of the people. I hope you find another that will comfort you.
At least you know who wrote it but it almost borders on being rude rather than helpful. As an exercise though, I suppose that it has its merits. On the positive side, I have always found you easy to talk to and that you have a smashing, warm outgoing personality (well, on 365 you do) so pin that to a photo!
@danette I'm all at peace with it now--it is just something that I realized I could use for my assignment this week--I'm very glad you found a place you love and enjoy! How nice! :)
@steampowered If only I had your PS experience. I would post an awesome photo of me with banners of quotes from Paul "Snapchat" Everest: "smashing, warm outgoing personality*" "easy to talk to*" with a small disclaimer in one corner that said "*well, on 365." :) Thanks dear. I found this little exercise fine to do--get-pushed seemed to open the door to it, so I went with it.
I think it's quite a hurtful note to recieve and I can understand it must have been very upsetting!! Did you have the oportunity to speak to the writer? I think that person should have recieved a note saying "cruel"!! I believe in the saying "If you can't say anything nice say nothing!!" I dislike people who use words to hurt especially the written word. I think the time has come Daryl to get rid of the note - burn it - I think that would be very theraputic!! Why keep such a hurtful memory!! Big hug!!
@pamknowler Oh, thanks Pam, I should say that this was years ago now. It does not pain me now; it did then. I sent one note to the author of the note that I felt that it was not something I needed to own and that if she wanted to talk with me about any problems she was having with me, I was open to it. I knew that this note was really not about me--and I'm proud of telling her I would not own it. I'm only able to put it out there now because it really doesn't have the same effect on me, but I'm realizing that it does have an effect on others (now that I'm seeing responses)-- so now I'm wondering if I should have used it in this exercise--I guess, I thought that words, things that I absolutely cherish--precious words--well, they are barbs too. This was just one of those things I thought would photograph well for the challenge.
Wow...I agree with Paul and think this was borderline rude and mean. On the other hand, it seems to be a motivator for you? I also agree with Pam...burn it. Life's too short. :) You are a very nice, easy to converse with and very entertaining...are you sure it was not jealousy? Have a wonderful day, you rock! :)
Sorry to hear about your experiences with church, and with this note. I think the writer needs to work on their concept of celebrating another person. I used to work in a high profile position, and one of the best words of advice given to me was to toss out any notes and letters that I received that weren't signed by the sender. If they can't be bothered to sign it, I can't be bothered to read it. Glad to hear that you've moved on.
Wow. A powerful personal response to the challenge. For me, the card and your narrative captures the power of words - the power to hurt, the power to motivate, the power to remember. I applaud you for sharing it.
What an interesting posting and it's led to such an interesting exchange. I appreciate what it must have felt like to receive the note, and celebrate the fact that you recognized you didn't need to own the sentiment. Such an odd note to receive in that particular setting too -- very strange! So, like Paul, I would counter all the sentiment from getting to know the 365 person that you are!! There's got to be a perfect Mark Twain or Will Rogers quote in there about not pleasing everyone all the time, if only I were willing to take the time to look it up and attribute to the right person!!
Very interesting exchange of opinions based on this rough note you received. Glad to know you were above it. Unfortunately there are people like that. I just feel bad that it made you get away from the church. My spiritual life is important and I had made the mistake to get away because of certain people, but then I realized that I was punishing myself, and that if I went to my religious place was to satisfy my relationship with G-d and not with those people.
Oh gosh that note is something very like things I used to send to my mother years ago, thinking I was being so honest....I cringe that she keeps everything, and keeps the hurt that they caused. I don't think the sender wanted to hurt you, maybe those words were intended to show you something about yourself that they rightly or wrongly percieved, as you noted often things are way more about the sender in this kind of circumstance. they obviously wanted more of your attention ! very thought provoking piece Daryl. glad you are over it!
@nanderson I think it reminds me also to be careful how I might relate to others (I'm SURE I'm guilty of writing a jerky letter or two ;)). It was just the situation that made it so jarring I think. I appreciate your comments. :)
@paulie I'm pretty good at discarding things too; I just held onto this one--and pinned it. I have some odd things up there, so it's more a board of oddities than anything else. I might just have to take it down now that I've used it for an artistic approach. :)
@taffy I'm pretty sure I know that quote too! ;) Ah, time heals wounds too. It was such an odd situation. I'm removed from it. The response here is a bit overwhelming--I may have gone to personal for 365 here. I just liked that it would fit in with my "push"
@anazad511 Oh, I'm still a very spiritual being of sorts. Relationship is there--just not with the church. I'm very ok with that these days. Thanks so much for your kind words. :)
@kali66 To be honest, I have sent barbwires too--I'm a wordsmith, and I'm sure I've flung the worst at my parents--I think I was using this piece for photo and narrative to mingle (and to really push the boundaries of my get-pushed). Words are my world! And I know they are not always beautiful upon receipt. I also know that there is truth in what someone is trying to say--honesty, not that it felt good to receive, just difficult. I'm thinking I may have bared a bit too much here. But it's a safe thing as it's quite in the past. I don't harbor it to keep a remembrance of the pain really--it's just a "place marker in time." I do hope your mom can let go of those things. I have a daughter who will certainly send me some of those notes soon--the teen years are here, and if Karma does exist, I'm due some doozies (sp?). :) Thanks for your comments.
It was so interesting to see your photo and read the narrative, Daryl. I think we sometimes hang onto these, albeit painful, things in our lives, to remind us of the road we've travelled, and are currently travelling. I'm glad it no longer hurts you - I can understand how it would have though, but at the same time, it may have been what you needed to move on and out of a place you no longer belonged in? I don't know...
My family and I also left the church about 4 years ago - we were learning so much about God and His grace, and were just not finding it within the legalism and restriction of a church institution. We wanted the freedom of just 'being'. [does that make sense?].
I remember reading a book, which helped verbalise where we were at . It was called: "So you don't want to go to church anymore"... what a fabulous book. I think every Christian should read it with an open mind! It was so refreshing and freeing to leave church and start a whole new journey out of the institution.
Anyway - that's probably not related to your story or experience, but your narrative sure made me think straight back to the path we've travelled for the last 4+ years. It's interesting reading through everyone's responses and comments - I don't feel the need to 'find another church'. I just feel that right now, I'm in a place where I'm content and secure in my relationship with God right now, where I'm at!
oh well - didn't mean to write such a long comment... sorry. :)
That was a very hurtful note to send to someone, did they really know you?? I remember being asked to send something similar to my sister and brother in law during a church retreat, i spent a lot of time on what I said as I wanted it to be meaningful and show these two people what they meant to me. Sometimes I keep some of the less pleasant things in life as a means of showing that person that I am better than they think, it's an incentive to prove them wrong (I love a challenge). I also worked at a church for many years and found that a few in the congregation were not truly good Christians, but the truly good people - both inside and outside of the church - more than made up for the few. I totally agree with Paul, while we have never met, I feel you are a friend who is kind and thoughtful.
Oh BTW the photo is great :)
The person who wrote it sounds bitter and a bit jealous to me. If you were closing her out it was probably instinctual as this type of person can only bring you down. Constructive feedback is one thing...this steps over the line! Oh and PS I think you are lovely...outgoing and open to all!
@gailmmeek Oh, thanks so much for your comments. I think we probably share a similar story in the end. I've never had such amazing responses to a photo--it's like we are all in a round-table discussion, so I'm happy I posted the shot. I've heard of the book! I will try to seek it out. Thanks so much Gail. :)
@luvmynynix Aw, I think you are the most outgoing and fun person! I've really enjoyed being a 365 friend. And I've been lousy about visiting, so please forgive! :)
I agree with Nada!So glad you used this card.It truly does illustrate the power of words! On a personnel note ,I can't understand why this person thought this was appropriate during an exchange of cards meant to celebrate each other's spiritual gifts! Not very celebratory at all. Now that it has been photographed and shared...I think you should discard it.
After posting yesterday's image,I could not understand why you were going to take another shot if anything else.That was beautiful and touching.But I understand now.This one is evocative in a totally different way.Challenge well done!
I've never received a note anything like this, but have certainly been confronted face to face a time or two. Nothing good comes of it. My feeling for the last few decades is that no one goes through life without encountering someone who doesn't like them, or someone who is just an unpleasant person. It doesn't mean anything. Forget it.
As for Church - I've been around several, and have finally settled on one I like a lot. My advice is to keep investigating. Obviously, I like the English language too.
@rvwalker Thanks Ross. I'm totally at peace with the note--it worked well with my challenge I think, though. I'm not so good at forgetting things, but I do like to think my memories of them do not evoke the same feelings I may have had at the time in the moment. For this photo, I tried to take a POV of someone who has received it and pinned it (in the moment). It sits above and leaves the viewer feeling small. But I don't feel small if that makes sense. It was a great photography exercise.
Re Church, well, I was raised in the church (I'm a PK), and that is a whole other topic. I'm very happy where I have landed, and I enjoy visiting churches and continuing deep friendships I have had at the churches where I have been a member. I'm just not part of the church anymore. Always open to the possibilities, though. :)
Daryl, you write: " I knew that this note was really not about me--and I'm proud of telling her I would not own it." I think it's important to know when what we 'receive' from another is more to do with their 'stuff' than to do with us. Having said that I think folk should learn to know when to keep their 'stuff' to themselves. I feel in agreement with your 365 friends here who have said 'Burn it'.
@quietpurplehaze Rest assured, this note does not bother me now. It makes a good subject for the challenge I was working on--perhaps I'll take a photo burning it next. :) Thanks for your kind thoughts. :)
Goodness that's a slap in the face! sadly I am not good with works, but I will say that you have been extremely kind, funny and supportive to me and you have never even met me!
Now that you have a photo of it, maybe you can get rid of it :-) (a decluttering trick!) Interesting that the writer said you close others out.. I haven't known you long, but look how you noticed my absence from your feed and sought me out! :-) That poor person who wrote this had issues. Thanks for sharing!
@m9f9l I think I will probably discard it. It's properly documented for art's sake. I'm glad I sought you out. Good luck with your daughter and the new addition!!
There is power in words, whether spoken or written. I agree with Hazel, in that this person who wrote the note could of been self projecting. People will do that when they can't face the "ugly" part of their selves in the mirror. Past is past and who knows, maybe in some way it did help you to grow within your own self. Perhaps more compassion? Perhaps to have more understanding of others or even your self. I didn't know you back then, but from what I have gleamed of you on 365, I would have to say that you have humor, you are a warm and caring person and above all come across as an honest person, even if it's something painful, such as this old letter. I think myself, I would keep it..... as a positive reminder of how you have lived, loved and grown into the wonderful person that you are today. I toast your life! For you have really lived!
@zenna Oh my goodness, what a lovely note you have written. Thank you so much for that. I like to think I have grown over the years and have shed any negativity I may have projected outwardly--from the time I had in this study group, I gained so much love and admiration of others that it was just a shock to feel that I guess I did not pass it on to one person in particular. I know I don't harbor any ill will, which is a good thing. :) I don't mind holding on to things like these unless they truly cause me real pain. I would have to release it if it did. :)
So interesting to read the note and all the reactions to it.
I certainly do perceive you totally different than that note-bitch did.
I like your humour and wise remarks. Oh yeah, and your photos of course ;)
I just read through your post and the conversations that followed. All has been said and I am sure you feel you have written and responded enough. Thank you for sharing this unpleasant experience in your life and how you have come to terms with it. For what it's worth, you are someone I would love to get to know beyond the 365 world, and I know I am just one of many here who feel that way!
Oh, Daryl, the pain of receiving such a note, even if you know it wasn't warranted and you were smart enough not to "own" it. Initially, I agreed with @pamknowler@nanderson to just burn it, because you've moved on; but having followed the entire thread, I like @zenna 's approach of keeping it as a reminder of how you have lived your life and most of all, I agree with @taffy that you've generated great thought and discussion in response to your thought-provoking note, but largely it's because of what @pflaume says -- we want to get to know you beyond the 365world! And who could top what @steampowered said! As a photograph, the note was well captured in its angled, yet clearly readable text.
@ness50 I'm sorry I missed replying to your comment earlier--this post has had such a big response, I'm a bit caught off guard! I did know the person over the course of a full year, so it was such a strange thing. She thought she was supposed to offer observations about each person, but even in that case, they were not kind observations. I am like you in that I took a good amount of time in discovering and communicating the spiritual gifts I observed in my other classmates. I loved the exercise, and relished the opportunity to share those thoughts because I wanted others to know how much their gifts had enriched my life in the course--it's a very close and personal space in EfM. Thanks so much for your kind words Ness!
@pflaume Thanks so much Lisa. It's been a wonderful journey on this virtual space of 365 and it is truly my hope that I get to meet you in person some day. :)
@jyokota I can't even imagine how hard it was to construct that response with all the references to the comments here, so thank you very much Junko. As a side note, I did see your announcement!! You were lucky I did respond to you that day as by 3:00 pm I had a very high fever and could not even enjoy the BBQ dinner I made for our lovely student that night. Off to bed I went and my dad took over for me to make sure she was properly stuffed with ribs, corn, and tomato/cumumber/onion salad. So glad your trip will happen! :)
@darylo Oh, poor you, because you were so looking forward to cooking for and enjoying being with Akari, although I'm sure your dad did a great job in hosting her. I sincerely wish you could go with us to Japan, but who knows, maybe in the future??
This note is about the sender and not the receiver, as was pointed out earlier. Not sure why you received it, but who isn't frustrated with their problems? Glad you said you would not own it as you define you as no other can. I think the word was badass ...
Wow! this is an amazing response to the challenge. I'm glad I got to see the happy one first but this is great. It's so far away from how I would interpret you but it takes great courage to open yourself up and share. FAV
Those opening words were not written to comfort you - they're 'get me off the hook' words, cop out. I don't fall for that kind of manipulation. I agree with @m9f9l though, I think the writer has their own issues. On the other hand, it must have mattered to the writer that they couldn't connect with you, so that's a compliment. People are funny. I think you're swell Daryl!
November 19th, 2013
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My family and I also left the church about 4 years ago - we were learning so much about God and His grace, and were just not finding it within the legalism and restriction of a church institution. We wanted the freedom of just 'being'. [does that make sense?].
I remember reading a book, which helped verbalise where we were at . It was called: "So you don't want to go to church anymore"... what a fabulous book. I think every Christian should read it with an open mind! It was so refreshing and freeing to leave church and start a whole new journey out of the institution.
Anyway - that's probably not related to your story or experience, but your narrative sure made me think straight back to the path we've travelled for the last 4+ years. It's interesting reading through everyone's responses and comments - I don't feel the need to 'find another church'. I just feel that right now, I'm in a place where I'm content and secure in my relationship with God right now, where I'm at!
oh well - didn't mean to write such a long comment... sorry. :)
Oh BTW the photo is great :)
After posting yesterday's image,I could not understand why you were going to take another shot if anything else.That was beautiful and touching.But I understand now.This one is evocative in a totally different way.Challenge well done!
As for Church - I've been around several, and have finally settled on one I like a lot. My advice is to keep investigating. Obviously, I like the English language too.
Re Church, well, I was raised in the church (I'm a PK), and that is a whole other topic. I'm very happy where I have landed, and I enjoy visiting churches and continuing deep friendships I have had at the churches where I have been a member. I'm just not part of the church anymore. Always open to the possibilities, though. :)
I certainly do perceive you totally different than that note-bitch did.
I like your humour and wise remarks. Oh yeah, and your photos of course ;)