Or, How FlyLady Saved My Life and Ended My Marriage
Young ladies! If a man tells you that he is an alcoholic drug addict with a history of mental illness, it is probably in your best interest to believe him. Considering marriage? It might be a good idea to reconsider, especially when you find out that he has not spoken to his sister for 12 years and that he does not want his teenage sons to know about the wedding.
I not only considered marrying the man but actually did so despite the fact that, even before the wedding, I was leaving my own apartment in tears at least twice a week in the middle of the night to walk the streets of the city because I could not bear the emotional distress at home. Before the wedding I knew that this man was troubled and that I was a sponge mopping up emotional chaos.
Could I possibly have thought that our interactions were normal? Did I recklessly think I was invulnerable? That love trumps all? Was I just besotted? In any event, truths obvious and apparent to me before we married gradually became invisible as the years went by. I accepted mistreatment as normality, adapted to it and adapted as well to all the subsequent escalations, like the proverbial frog in the boiling water. Maybe if I just kept my head down and did things right, he wouldn’t get upset.
Ten years later I found myself uprooted from friends, family, and tenure track job, living in Switzerland with a crazy man who was burning through jobs, having feuds with neighbors and decreeing that our young son was not developing properly. He started terrorizing the kid’s four year old friends, spying on the school playground and planning a campaign to discredit the kindergarden teachers. Unemployed, he stayed up most of the night madly working on various computer programs that never saw the light of day. He put a lot of pressure on me to obtain a full time job to support the family while he looked after our son.
After I actually landed a really well-paying full-time job, I then had to face the reality of leaving my child, who at this point had completely stopped talking and almost stopped interacting, in his father’s full time care. Instead of accepting the job, I packed my bags, called a cab in the middle of the night and, in a scene straight out of a grade B movie, snuck out and fled back home to the States with a kid still in his pajamas. He started talking again the moment we stepped through the passport control, before we even got on the plane. And he’s fine, about to graduate from high school now.
Where does FlyLady fit into this story with a happy ending? Well, I had been applying her beautifully packaged (but time-honored) organization principles. This helped restore a long-forgotten capacity to see that I should not be accepting responsibility for chaos I had not created. After all, I knew I had put in my 15 minutes of planning ahead the night before! This small certainty may possibly have been just the extra edge I needed to accomplish what is beyond a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I always loved how Flylady would mix in ideas of women standing up for themselves with her tips for keeping a nice clean home. I remember her battling it out with a husband who wanted his wife to keep her old "thin" clothes in her closet to remind her of how she used to look.
Glad you found the strength to get out when you did.
Wow, Francoise how proud you can be of yourself and your boy. It helps us to know you a little more and understand your deep love of the woods which shines through your pictures. It is perhaps good to believe "love conquers all" if only it always did. Remember the road you have travelled says much about where you are now. Thank you for sharing
What a story! Glad it all ended ok for you. I walked out after 4 years in an abusive relationship when I was 22. That man still 'stalks' me (mainly online now, he's just found my 265 and blog), more than 9 years later! It takes courage to get out of these situations but I bet you never looked back. I didn't!
You are traveling done memory lane lately. Good and bad. To understand where we are we often have to look back from where we came. I hope you are happy with where you are and can leave the past in the past.
So brave of you to share and what courage it takes to make that one life altering decision. And you did it for your son which has had such a positive outcome. My motto has been you cannot change what has happened (as with me in a different manner) but you can change the here and now and hope for a better future. Well done :)
I've no idea why you chose today to share this harrowing story with us Françoise, but thank you that you did and good that that you feel comfortable enough here to have done so. Mrs S always says that God put our eyes in the front of our heads for a reason!
I have never heard of FlyLady but if she played a small part in your brave actions then she must be pretty good. What a harrowing experience and it sounds like you have come through it to enjoy a much nicer and happier life. Good for you and your son, here's to continuing a safe and contented life.
Glad you found the strength to get out when you did.