You'd think by now I'd have learned to weave my ends in as I go but apparently this time I didn't :') Still, I've finished my car blanket and for once in my life actually like something I have made, which is a nice change.
I've been feeling physically and mentally yuck today. I needed to go out to the shop but I've barely left my bed so that's going to have to be a job for tomorrow.
I've been thinking too much today and it's been making me sad, so I've been trying to not, and crochet was a good distraction for a while but now my brain is going again :(
I think it's to do with facing another week signed off work. I just keep thinking about all I've lost to being ill, how I will probably never be or achieve what 10 year old me dreamed of. My ambitions as a child were to be an architect or a teacher or a doctor but today I've cried multiple times over trying to read an email. I don't have an ambitions any more, I'm just trying to get through each day without doing anything too stupid in the hours that I'm awake.
Illness has affected my family, my friendships, my (never had one lol) relationships, my grades, my jobs... literally every aspect of my life.
I’m 22 and I'm on more medications than the average 70 year olds (some of which, from memory, mess your body up being on them long term, but when the choice is a shorter life where I can semi-function, or a long life when I literally can’t get out of bed, I’ll take the former).
Even if things feel ‘okay’ or even ‘good’ I’m always terrified that a complete and utter crash is a day or two away because I haven’t felt consistently ‘okay’ or ‘good’ in so long, as long as I can remember.
So I don’t really know how I can ever have a good/purposeful/meaningful life when I spend so much of it completely and utterly paralysed by my own brain, so unable to do absolutely basic things like getting dressed, getting washed, taking all of my meds, drinking, eating etc. I literally get stuck to my bed and can’t move, and I can spend hours that way.
That then leads me to wondering what the point in anything is. Because why would I stay alive to continue living life that way when I’m either a nothing, or distressed.
So in conclusion, I need to just not think so much, and spend more of my life wrapped in wool and buried under yarn and then everything will be okay (and if you've actually read through this ramble you deserve a medal).
I know exactly what you mean about weaving ends...no fun but necessary. I'm so glad you like your blanket, and your image is so beautiful with the awesome light. gorgeous colors, and beautiful dof. I'm keeping you in my prayers, Naomi.
I read the whole thing! I do pray for you Naomi and I know that things may be tough right now, but you have the ability to get through it - I know this because I can sense this in your words. I'm happy that you finished the beautiful car blanket. You've made some car very happy. ;-)
@janetb@purdey@earthbeone@thelene@kjarn@craftymeg Thank you, all Xxx @kwind Thank you - I'm already under the community mental health team and see my GP weekly :) @kali66 Thank you - my blanket is now in my car but I have many many more blankets in this flat! I hope that sharing my experiences helps others to understand depression a little more, it's often so hard to describe X @stray_shooter Thank you - my car is much more funky now! (I only passed my test in October and bought my first car in December so it's all still very exciting!)
January 16th, 2017
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@kwind Thank you - I'm already under the community mental health team and see my GP weekly :)
@kali66 Thank you - my blanket is now in my car but I have many many more blankets in this flat! I hope that sharing my experiences helps others to understand depression a little more, it's often so hard to describe X
@stray_shooter Thank you - my car is much more funky now! (I only passed my test in October and bought my first car in December so it's all still very exciting!)