If I were to pick a true and perhaps greatest phobia of mine, it would be this one...the fear of failure.
Sometimes it prevents me from doing things, or at least makes me think I can't do certain things because I do not wish to fail at them. It effects me with my photography and I have passed up opportunities for doing photoshoots, getting practice, even taking gigs passed my way. Recently a woman in a store asked me if I would be interested in taking photos of her family and I laughed it off rather than giving her my contact info. I was asked to volunteer for an upcoming photo fundraiser where I would help shoot family portraits, but I worry, I will wreck the portraits and ruin their lives (ok, not that bad, but you get the point).
I had a hard to please boss years ago who would bludgeon my work to death with a red pen. She would bloody the whole darn sales letter I wrote up and it was extremely disenheartning to me. It's so hard for me to be unable to get things right, to feel like a failure.
Because of this, I spend way too much time on getting things perfect, trying not to fail. I go through spells of insomnia when I am worrying about projects and things I am working on. I had a particularly challenging job where I hardly slept for nearly a year due to my worry. It's a rather lousy characteristic of mine, truth be told.
I don't know where this stems from, but I do remember when I went away to college, my mom told me that my dad thought I would fall on my face and fail, party it up and flunk out of school. Perhaps it was reverse psychology? I set out to prove that wrong, though, and did very well in school and still managed to have bunches of fun times. Fail not!
oh that is not good at all - I believe you would be wonderful at whatever you set your mind to - maybe not always the first time but that doesn't matter - we learn from our mistakes
I can't tell you without a doubt that you are a huge success at capturing emotion! This tells a complete story without any explanation needed. And not just this photo, many of your others show joy, sadness, terror, tenderness, wonder (I go on and on, but you get the idea) Great work!
Fav for bravery to share. You described the inner workings of my mind almost daily.... Fear of failure is horrible and at times crippling. Can relate. Fab image.
I think Lin @linnypinny said it so well! Very nicely portrayed Amanda. Did you ever ask your mum or dad if that was actually said... would be interesting to know if it was just reverse psychology :)
I totally get this - its what I used to be like. After 27 years in Academia i've got used to taking criticism and not trying not to take it personally but use it to improve my work - which never becomes perfect anyway. Now I'm one of those evil people who bludgeons other people's work with a red pen (in a helpful way of course!). You've got to put yourself out there and shoulder the odd mistake, and grow in the process no?
Awesomeness is leaking out of my monitor. No explanation needed for this image. I believe with continued practice of your M settings, you'll gain the confidence to eventually take on those photo shoots. My ex had a similar phobia, not sure if it's the same, she would start projects, but never complete them, for fear of failure, but she never explained why she quit.
We all have our demons, but I think recognising them helps keep the lid on the box. Failure has never worried me. As for parents though, read no further than here. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055
Awesome photo and I bet if you really sat down and thought about it you could not name one thing that you "failed" at that really made a hill of beans different in your life. Just sayin'..
perhaps it's not the failure you fear of. perhaps you're afraid of success. if you fail, you simply stop doing things. if you succeed, a lot is expected of you to be far better the next time. that's a lot of pressure. and there's the family to take care of, you will have less time to socialize because then you need to work harder, push yourself to heights and limits. you cannot fail because you know it when you're good at something. like this photography thing. you are very good at it. if you did that audition, someone sees your potential, offers you a better gig, you become a star, you're surrounded by bodyguards, you can't even see your mom without her making an appointment. ah, who needs success!
Young lady. I love your honesty in your writings and your photography. The nice thing about putting it down in b&w is that you can come back to this someday and see how far that you have come. I'm quite sure that I could have written this at some point in time. We all could have written it because each of us harbors these feelings. Do I still? Occasionally. Do I talk my way out of it? Yes. I recently lost my little old lady - you know what I mean? Someone to talk to that accepted me and was not judgmental. Strangely enough it was my ex MIL. Maybe I'll volunteer to be your LOL. I sound so old but I do believe that a certain amount of self confidence builds with age - and the fact that you don't care anywhere near as much as you used to do about falling on your face. One of my favorite photographers (and somewhere I'd like to get you involved in) has a saying about going out there and making glorious mistakes. I propose that you and Meg and I get together at Spring Grove on a sunny day next week.
I think a lot of us can relate to this. But we should all strive for progress NOT perfection. Besides, even when we think we (by whatever subjective standards we have for ourselves) think we've perfected something...there's always someone who will shit all over it anyway. Lol. But I'm a pessimistic New Yorker :P and we shit on everything because our standards are high. I guess that makes us obnoxious too. I kid. I had a highly highly critical boss once who was always marking up my writing with corrections and edits -- she was a New York Times fashion columnist back in the day AND a New York Times best-selling novelist. I hated how she cut down my work ALL the time. But you know what? It made me better. Growth and progress never come from a comfort zone. It's not about getting it wrong that makes a failure... Failure is not trying, not getting up more times than you fall, and (IMHO) failure is thinking that perfection is the end goal.
Nice shot here, Amanda. And thanks for the thought-provoking commentary.
I really like what summerfield wrote - and your photography goes from strength to strength so I agree with her that it's success you need to be afraid of.
Great portrayl of the emotion felt when you realize you may have failed. It's hard to realize that failure can also build strength at the time. I think you missed your calling Amanda.. if not a professional photographer.....you should be an actress or maybe a director? Your work is fantastic and I give you an A+! Your choices are endless.
You are an amazing photographer and writer and I can relate to this but am astonished you should have any doubts in yourself - your ex-boss sounds like a witch!
@tremerryn I think that some people are just impossible to please. Are never happy. And sometimes I seem to be surrounded by those people. Or I just have really thin skin. Really appreciate your kind comments!
@bill_fe Niceness is leaking out of you. Thanks, my friend.
@cdonohoue Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. LOVE the idea of meeting up on a nice day next week. Maybe Tuesday. Hard part is that I just have a 3 hour window. Would that work with the drive and time there?
@summerfield I made it up. F-...sheesh, I always overdo things:). But man, you should have seen the ripped up and bloody paper from the boss. I may still have it somewhere. It was craziness!!!
Amanda, like you, I have a fear of failure and am incredibly hard on myself at times, hell I even thought I'd failed because I recovered from anorexia!!
Lady you are so creative, take such amazing images, including this one :)
Step by step Amanda, it's never too late... I think you dare a lot through your photos, I'm very admirative ! I wouln't dare the half of what you do, believe me !
You are a wonderful person to share your thoughts and emotions like you did. That's a step in the right direction to taking on your challenges around fear!
Nicely done shot... So - are you first born? Typical type A first born kinda thing I think... At least that's what someone told me years ago... (And ya - this is one of my biggest fears too... Right up there w the fear of being wrong generally)...
@northy Right there with you, lady. First born and almost an only child, least til I was 7. Gave me some issues, boy howdy. Rejection is a fear, too. Thanks for relating and for your reassurance. Being type A kinda sucks. But good in ways, too, I guess. I am glad I am not paralyzed by this, but it does rear it's ugly head once in awhile.
I think we all know this, in one way or another. I too have passed many opporunities in life for thinking I´m not good enough or fearing that I´ll fail. So well portraited and I must say you most certainly don´t fail in selfies! A fav! Also I totally agree with @fauxtography365 that failure is not trying, also he/she who never makes mistakes or fails does nothing at all.
I can so identify with this! I agree with what others have said though, age and life experience can help. Not a first born myself (i'm one of 5) so can't comment on that aspect but I do know that the support and encouragement of the lovely people on this site has helped me hugely! Ps I bet you never got an F- in your life :-)))
Great shot. I can relate to this too. Not quite to the same extent, but I've avoided things over the same concerns in the past. I've never done the get pushed challenge for exactly that reason.
Thank you all for your wonderfully thoughtful and kind comments. Glad to strike a chord with this shot...it seems many of us can relate. I am so grateful to not be terribly paralyzed with this fear. I mostly try things, but inside my fears battle my reason. Thanks so much!
No wonder you worry so much about people liking your photos and show and write with so much emotion. Kudos to you to put it out there in writing and this fabulous photo, Amanda. Now it is time not to worry about things. You are an amazing, person, wife, mom, friend and so many other things and have a huge heart. I would be concerned to shoot photos for someone that were to be the only photos they have at the end of a party or wedding. So, be behind the main person doing so and take your photos with them or do so with someone you know that takes great photos like you do so not to put all the pressure on you. We have all been there, not a big help to say that but it is true. I would take on something to do on a smaller scale and go from there. You will have so much less stress on yourself. I agree with so much said above. See how we come together here. We are also here for you. Enjoy what works for you.
From another eldest, type A, I totally understand ... I have had a couple of health issues so my thoughts now are life's too short, if I don't try I'll never know. Take that fear in hand, give it a stern talking to & next time say of course I can. :P
gosh I think we are separated at birth twins !!!! It's like a wrote this ... like your collage story I have a marriage story. Mom locked herself in her room when I announced I wanted to get married ( I had just turned 18). Finally coming out of her room she came to me and said " fine we're planning this but just remember when it doesn't work out I TOLD YOU SO". That first year was a nightmare but there was no way I was running home !! Best thing she ever said ... Happily still together after 38 years.
@darsphotos Love love your kind words. Thanks so much, my friend. Just sharing a bit of what makes me tick or not sometimes:). We all have our faults and weaknesses. It's good to explore them, me thinks.
@redpants Thanks so much for that, Sue. Appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Working on not being run by my fears.
@lesip You guys got married the year I was born. AWESOME!!! My parents were the year before you. LOVE that you are going strong still. What a testimony. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement!
@yrhenwr After me, I don't think she supervised anymore. I shared an earful on my way out at my exit interview. I burned that bridge, though, unfortunately. Some people shouldn't manage, though.
October 22nd, 2014
Leave a Comment
Sign up for a free account or Sign in to post a comment.
@seanoneill Great poem, Sean, thanks for sharing!!
Nice shot here, Amanda. And thanks for the thought-provoking commentary.
@bill_fe Niceness is leaking out of you. Thanks, my friend.
@cdonohoue Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. LOVE the idea of meeting up on a nice day next week. Maybe Tuesday. Hard part is that I just have a 3 hour window. Would that work with the drive and time there?
Lady you are so creative, take such amazing images, including this one :)
@roseolivia @alia_801 @flyrobin @susale @andrewkru @tonydebont @mzzhope @wannabe @gigiflower @sailingmusic @cocobella @ziggy77 @pixiemac @scarybird @gerry @bill_fe @tremerryn @carolmw @eyesmile @fullcircle @jocasta @eyeamlisa @fauxtography365 @cdonohoue @kerristephens @denisefuller @summerfield @vega @cejaanderson @fueast @bella_ss @newbank @kittikat @linnypinny @annied
Thank you all for your wonderfully thoughtful and kind comments. Glad to strike a chord with this shot...it seems many of us can relate. I am so grateful to not be terribly paralyzed with this fear. I mostly try things, but inside my fears battle my reason. Thanks so much!
@redpants Thanks so much for that, Sue. Appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Working on not being run by my fears.
@lesip You guys got married the year I was born. AWESOME!!! My parents were the year before you. LOVE that you are going strong still. What a testimony. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement!