"Hold for the last time...and slip away quietly." ~ The Cure
Yesterday's session with him was one of our toughest. Our most intense. Often in therapy, there's a lot of transference. As a therapist, I have to be aware of it and use it wisely to move the work forward.
He was mad at me, angry, telling me how hurt he was about this, that and the other...all things I've heard before but never easy to stomach. The thing about transference is, that you have to be sure that it's about the past and not you as a therapist. Yesterday, it wasn't about me. I was the mother who couldn't love him the way he needed, the wife who cheated on him, and any person that abused him in his tormented and painful past. I decided in that moment to take it, be his punching bag, so to speak.
"I'm sorry I can't be everything you need," I told him. "But I care about you." I figured he hadn't heard it enough from others -- sorry I hurt you, sorry for treating you badly. And part of me meant it on a personal level. There's only so much one person can do. I was sorry. I felt it was clinically appropriate.
He started crying at that point. In his sorrow and tears he thanked me for helping more than anyone else had. I gave him a longer session than normal because he needed it. We left on a good note.
This morning...he died. A quick end to his long and tortured life. Cardiac arrest.
Today was a blur of phone calls to his family, his care teams at various service providers, dealing with their grief and mine.
This man was very difficult to work with, often the bane of my time on the job...but I did my best. In a way, I'm relieved for many reasons, but mostly just sad.
May he be at peace at last.
(View from my train ride home today. Sun setting over the Hudson.)
A job that tangles itself deep into the darkest reaches of our secret selves. You sound like you are very clear about your position. Looking out of that window and snapping your picture must have been a moment filled with deep thought. A brave shot with a full back story. Thank you.
@islandk8@snaphappy1@carolb@chrysler8080 thanks, guys. I chose my picture and words carefully yesterday. The man I wrote of brought about many many mixed emotions for me both professionally and personally. He spent a lifetime really believing no one gave a damn about him. I hoped to honor his life somehow with the picture.
