At the risk of causing you pain (and well aware that telling this is more effective than writing it)...Two nuns driving late at night down a twisty Transylvania road. Driver nun screeches to a halt just short of hitting a dark figure in the road. Passenger nuns says, "Is that a vampire?" Driver nun says, "Yikes! It is!" Passenger nun says, "Well show him your cross!" Driver nun steps out and screams angrily "GET THE BLEEP OUT OF THE ROAD!"
three ducks are in a bar. the bardender says to the first duck, "how was your day". 1st duck replies, " it was fantastic! I was in and out of puddles all day!". Bartender turns to the second duck and says, " what about you? how was your day?" 2nd duck replies, " best day I've had in a long time, as I was also in and out of puddles all day long!!". The bartender says to the third duck, " let me guess you were in and out of puddles all day too." 3rd duck says, "nope- I AM Puddles, so don't even ask me how my day was!"
MOTHER THERESA DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN.
GOD WELCOMES HER,THEY BOTH SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND EAT A SIMPLE MEAL.
THERESA LOOKS DOWN TO HELL,AND NOTICES THAT THERE,ALL THE PEOPLE HAVE STAKES AND ALL KIND OF GOOD FOOD.SO SHE ASKS GOD
-WHY CAN`T WE HAVE ALL THAT FOOD HERE,IN HEAVEN?
-OH,IT`S SIMPLY NOT WORTH MAKING IT,FOR JUST TWO.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little boy, I can't reach the door knob!
(for all you science geeks out there ;])
And this one you won't find funny until you test it on someone.
'I have a knock knock joke, you start'
(go from there and you'll see what I mean, cracks me up every time xD)
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A Wonky Donky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye?
A Winky Wonky Donky
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye who is playing the piano?
A Plinky Plonky Winky Wonky Donky.
It continues... :p
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Okay, don't judge me, I have a weird Dad and a 10 year old brother :p
A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato all went for a walk together one afternoon.But the little baby tomato was lagging behind.
So, the papa tomato went back and stomped on the little baby tomato and said "Catch up!"
> And this one you won't find funny until you test it on someone.
> 'I have a knock knock joke, you start'
I am now fully in love with this, it's epic :D
--
A piece of string walks into a bar, goes up and asks for a drink. "Are you a piece of string?" enquires the barman. "Yes" replies the string, so the barman tells him "We don't serve pieces of string in here" and poor stringface leaves. The next day he tries again; "Are you a piece of string?" "Yes" "We don't serve pieces of string!". The string has a think and on the third day he enters again, the barman asks "Are you a piece of string?" and he replies "No, I'm afraid not (a frayed knot!!!)!!!"!!! and he gets a drink and probably drowns to death because string's pretty absorbent, yo.
Two blondes,in a car,looking at the traffic-light:
-Looook,red!
-Woww that`s so nice!
-Loooook,it`s yellow!
-Amaaaazing!
-Hey,now it`s green!
-Oh my god,don`t you just love that colour?!
-Uh...it`s red again..
-Yeah,we`ve seen that before.Off we go!
One lunchtime a duck walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool and says, "Bartender, I'd like a beer and a ham sandwich, please."
The bartender exclaims, "Crikey! You're a duck, and you talk!"
The duck states flatly, "Very observant of you. Instead of standing there gaping at me, could you pour me that beer?"
The bartender serves the duck his lunch, and the duck consumes his beverage and toastie and waddles out the door.
The next day, at lunchtime, the duck returns to the bar and orders another beer and sandwich. This goes on for the remainder of the week.
Come the weekend, a circus arrives in town. At lunchtime, between shows, the circus manager stops by the bar for a drink. He gets chatting to the bartender, and the bartender says, "Hey! Have I got the guy for you!," and proceeds to tell the manager about the talking duck. The manager seems suitably impressed and gives the bartender a business card to give to the duck.
On Monday, at lunchtime, the duck shows up to the bar again, and orders his usual beer and toastie. The bartender says, "Hey! I was just talking to the manager of that circus that's in town, and he said he's got a job for you! Here's his card, if you want to give him a call."
The duck stares blankly at the bartender and says, "What the %&*$ would a circus want with a plasterer?!"
There are two muffins in an oven,
The first muffin says "man, its getting kinda hot in here"
The second muffin says.... "Oh my gosh a talking muffin!!!!!"
Why do elephants paint their toe-nails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Shows you how well it works!!
A fluffy duck walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says to him "we've got a drink named after you!" The duck replies "Really? Great, I'll have a Harold thanks!"
Only funny if you've heard of a Fluffy Duck lol
This one I found in a joke book when I was in school, it freaked my friends out how much it cracked me up but I love it for some reason lol
A man is riding his horse through town when a dog walks past and says "How ya going mate?" The man is amazed and says "I didn't know dogs could talk!" His horse just as amazed says "Neither did I!"
Three strings walk into a bar. The bar has a sign that clearly says, "No strings," but they decide to try anyway. The first string approaces the bartender and says, "Give me a drink!" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve strings here." and sends him away. The second string decides that politeness is they key to success, so he walks up to the bartender and says, "Please, mister bartender, may I have a drink?" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve strings here." and sends him away. The third string then has a sudden idea. He goes into the bathroom, messes up his hair, and ties himself into a knot. He then walks up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. "Excuse me." says the bartender, "But aren't you a string? "
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
@ssmiley6017 Similar one when passing a cemetery. Do you know the people who livea round here aren't allowed to be buried in there? No, why? Because they are still alive! Lame, yes.
Why shouldn't you try to swim on a full stomach ?
Because it's easier to swim on a full swimming pool !
What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships ?
Baaa-nacles !
How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?
See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !
What do computer operators eat for lunch ?
Chips !
Why is that man standing in the sink ?
He's a tap dancer !
Where do rabbits learn to fly ?
In the Hare Force !
Why can you never swindle a snake ?
Because it's impossible to pull its leg !
Why did the doctor operate on the man who swallowed a pink biro ?
He had a cute-pen-inside-is !
Too many posts to reply to, this has exceeded my hopes, I have never groaned
this much before.Keep posting, your jokes are truly awful, I'm loving them all.
@eyebrows A special mention for your alcoholic joke, nearly drowned in hot tea when I read it.
one to add:
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? NACHO cheese
@jannydogs oh man i'm definitely retelling that nun joke! @laceyjogautreau i love that one too, although I always heard it as holes in your socks @nikkers ugh my friend KILLED the "dying to get in" joke...when I didn't laugh, he tried to explain it. I was like "yes. yes I know." XP @kylapalin I'm glad you told the seal joke so I didn't have to!
A Blond shops for new windows. all of hers needed replacing. so she shops around and finally purchases some. she's quite happy with the new windows until about a year later when she receives a phone call from the store. the owner says "you have these windows for over a year now and haven't paid a penny yet" to which she replies "the salesman told me the windows would pay for themselves within a year".
Why did the baker have brown hands? He needed (kneaded) a poo!
What's invisible and smells of rabbits? Bunny farts
A zookeeper is driving down the motorway with a trucks full of monkeys when he breaks down, He flags down a passing van and asks the driver if he'll take them to London Zoo and he'll give him £100. Hours later he see's the truck going in the other direction, when he flags him down he asks where he's going with the monkeys. The driver says that the zoo was boring so they're going to pizza hut!
Ok DONT read if easy offended. I mean it , if you read it and have trouble with it. dont blame me. I did warn you.... and thats not a tease to get you to read it. just a warning..
Dogs day
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
Tweets ahoy!
Join the Group
Pin With Me
With tomato paste.
Why did the fly fall off the wall?
Because it has a refrigerator tyed to it's back.
He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
MOTHER THERESA DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN.
GOD WELCOMES HER,THEY BOTH SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND EAT A SIMPLE MEAL.
THERESA LOOKS DOWN TO HELL,AND NOTICES THAT THERE,ALL THE PEOPLE HAVE STAKES AND ALL KIND OF GOOD FOOD.SO SHE ASKS GOD
-WHY CAN`T WE HAVE ALL THAT FOOD HERE,IN HEAVEN?
-OH,IT`S SIMPLY NOT WORTH MAKING IT,FOR JUST TWO.
A pair of knickers.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little boy, I can't reach the door knob!
(for all you science geeks out there ;])
And this one you won't find funny until you test it on someone.
'I have a knock knock joke, you start'
(go from there and you'll see what I mean, cracks me up every time xD)
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A Wonky Donky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye?
A Winky Wonky Donky
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye who is playing the piano?
A Plinky Plonky Winky Wonky Donky.
It continues... :p
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Okay, don't judge me, I have a weird Dad and a 10 year old brother :p
A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato all went for a walk together one afternoon.But the little baby tomato was lagging behind.
So, the papa tomato went back and stomped on the little baby tomato and said "Catch up!"
Cos you can see right through them!
Appalling, I know...
> And this one you won't find funny until you test it on someone.
> 'I have a knock knock joke, you start'
I am now fully in love with this, it's epic :D
--
A piece of string walks into a bar, goes up and asks for a drink. "Are you a piece of string?" enquires the barman. "Yes" replies the string, so the barman tells him "We don't serve pieces of string in here" and poor stringface leaves. The next day he tries again; "Are you a piece of string?" "Yes" "We don't serve pieces of string!". The string has a think and on the third day he enters again, the barman asks "Are you a piece of string?" and he replies "No, I'm afraid not (a frayed knot!!!)!!!"!!! and he gets a drink and probably drowns to death because string's pretty absorbent, yo.
I'm (I'll) here (get) all (my) week (coat)!
worked it out with a pencil.
Chickens don't really know what's going on and generally wonder about aimlessly like retards so the entire event was one big accident.
--
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was living in atrocious conditions in a McDonalds battery farm and had no access to roads of any type.
-Looook,red!
-Woww that`s so nice!
-Loooook,it`s yellow!
-Amaaaazing!
-Hey,now it`s green!
-Oh my god,don`t you just love that colour?!
-Uh...it`s red again..
-Yeah,we`ve seen that before.Off we go!
-Oh,just shut up and help me undo my bra!
Sore arms.
(my fav joke since I was 5 years old.. lame)
"Do you have holes in your underwear?"
"No way!"
"Well, how do you get your legs through?"
don't judge me.
Two little kids were walking by one of their parent's bedroom. One says to the other "and they get mad at me for sucking my thumb!"
one hits a concrete wall and says to the other "dam!"
_______________________________
Man walks into a cafe with a fish under his arm.
Asks the waiter if they do fish cakes.
The waiter, not wanting to turn away even an 'odd' customer says they do.
The man sets the fish up in a chair "great" he says "we'll take one, it's his birthday"
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo how?
You know its only a joke, you dont have to cry.
Knock, knock.
who's there?
Arch.
Arch who?
For the love of god, use s tissue will ya.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dora.
Dora who?
Dora bell broken, thats why I knocked..
My son torments me with these pretty much on a daily basis..
He had a chicken stapled to his face!
(One of my all-time favorite jokes; I'm not sure why.)
The bartender exclaims, "Crikey! You're a duck, and you talk!"
The duck states flatly, "Very observant of you. Instead of standing there gaping at me, could you pour me that beer?"
The bartender serves the duck his lunch, and the duck consumes his beverage and toastie and waddles out the door.
The next day, at lunchtime, the duck returns to the bar and orders another beer and sandwich. This goes on for the remainder of the week.
Come the weekend, a circus arrives in town. At lunchtime, between shows, the circus manager stops by the bar for a drink. He gets chatting to the bartender, and the bartender says, "Hey! Have I got the guy for you!," and proceeds to tell the manager about the talking duck. The manager seems suitably impressed and gives the bartender a business card to give to the duck.
On Monday, at lunchtime, the duck shows up to the bar again, and orders his usual beer and toastie. The bartender says, "Hey! I was just talking to the manager of that circus that's in town, and he said he's got a job for you! Here's his card, if you want to give him a call."
The duck stares blankly at the bartender and says, "What the %&*$ would a circus want with a plasterer?!"
Whose there?
Ether.
Ether Who?
Ether Bunny.
Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go over the ether bunny.
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry. There'll be another ether bunny next year.
The first muffin says "man, its getting kinda hot in here"
The second muffin says.... "Oh my gosh a talking muffin!!!!!"
Its stupidXD but i like it:)
The nun ducked.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
-eye roll-
- Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
Cause the sea weed..
My most favourite bad joke
Do you know how many people are dead there?
No, how many?
All of them.
Well I butter not tell you as it may spread.
Foot prints in the butter.
Rory
What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
Laurie!
: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
Pete
What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
: Phantom of the Oprah!
What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
Kung Flu!
What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
Bob!
What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
Mouseketeer!
What do you call a woman with 1 leg?
Ilene.
Patient: Doctor , doctor everytime I drink my coffee I get a stabbing pain in my eye.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the cup.
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Ok I need to stop Im making myself sick!!! lol
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
I don't know if I can cope with this thread ... but it's like a car accident, it's so hard to look away ...
Why do elephants paint their toe-nails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Shows you how well it works!!
@farmboy9155 cherry trees, think my grandad told me that one *lol*
something I cannot stand is when my candle goes out, because the wax builds up too high in the middle - it really gets on my wick...
the last thing I bought was a device for putting the stoppers into wine bottles... It did the job absolutely beautifully - it was a corker!
Thatching - it's pretty much a cottage industry...
I was confused when my calculator suddenly stopped working... I hadn't dropped it, or anything... It just didn't add up!
Only funny if you've heard of a Fluffy Duck lol
This one I found in a joke book when I was in school, it freaked my friends out how much it cracked me up but I love it for some reason lol
A man is riding his horse through town when a dog walks past and says "How ya going mate?" The man is amazed and says "I didn't know dogs could talk!" His horse just as amazed says "Neither did I!"
The first nun faints
The second nun faints
The third has a stroke
How do you sell a duck to a deaf man?
(lean forward and shout as loud as possible in their ear) WANNA BUY A DUCK?!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down hill?
A: to get to the bottom
Q: why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: he was looking for Pooh :D
Warren.
What's blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff!
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Because they're allergic to pepper water.
Why do the shrubs hang out with the mushroom?
Because hes a "fun guy"
"you know why i wear two pairs of pants" i was confused and i said no.
he replied "in case i get a hole-in-one"
my brother is crazy. idk its funny when he says it though.
Because it's easier to swim on a full swimming pool !
What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships ?
Baaa-nacles !
How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?
See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !
What do computer operators eat for lunch ?
Chips !
Why is that man standing in the sink ?
He's a tap dancer !
Where do rabbits learn to fly ?
In the Hare Force !
Why can you never swindle a snake ?
Because it's impossible to pull its leg !
Why did the doctor operate on the man who swallowed a pink biro ?
He had a cute-pen-inside-is !
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Oldies but goodies!
I have one, I hope no one has said it already. If so, my apologies!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Unique up on it..
this much before.Keep posting, your jokes are truly awful, I'm loving them all.
@eyebrows A special mention for your alcoholic joke, nearly drowned in hot tea when I read it.
one to add:
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? NACHO cheese
@jannydogs oh man i'm definitely retelling that nun joke!
@laceyjogautreau i love that one too, although I always heard it as holes in your socks
@nikkers ugh my friend KILLED the "dying to get in" joke...when I didn't laugh, he tried to explain it. I was like "yes. yes I know." XP
@kylapalin I'm glad you told the seal joke so I didn't have to!
He hasn't seen her, either.
Q. What did Winnie-the-Pooh say when he was offered dessert?
A. "No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What's invisible and smells of rabbits? Bunny farts
A zookeeper is driving down the motorway with a trucks full of monkeys when he breaks down, He flags down a passing van and asks the driver if he'll take them to London Zoo and he'll give him £100. Hours later he see's the truck going in the other direction, when he flags him down he asks where he's going with the monkeys. The driver says that the zoo was boring so they're going to pizza hut!
The account got deleted before long.
Dogs day
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
A word Santa Clause says three times when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room