Lyrics:
‘All of your life you’ve taken chances, you broke the rules time after time
All of your life you’ve gone your own way so give me this chance and I’ll go mine
Why can’t you say you love me as I am, say you want me as I am
Say I’m someone in your eyes it’s all I wanted to be
Oh just let me go I know, one day, if I’m allowed,
if I’m allowed one day I’ll make you proud
Oh one day I’ll make you proud
And trying to please you now is all I seem to do
I’m holding my dreams down, it’s breaking me in two
I’ve got to be me now
Cause there’s already one of you’
- Proud (from Britannia High if any of you used to watch that but I have a feeling none of you will have done!)
This is a really crappy phone shot, and not even framed properly, but I'm literally just so tired I can't.
Today has been really really crappy. I woke up to an email a few paragraphs long from my grandad... one bit of it was nice, but then there were 2/3 paragraphs of disappointment both in my decision to leave uni, and in the button art stuff I've been doing.
So I tried to journal it out and chill out a bit (see above).
Then I got some post and it was the referral stuff I was talking about last week... but the criteria for assessment is so harsh. They were very, very blunt about it. My referral has been accepted and I have an assessment but I was reading it and it just makes everything feel so scary/big/hopeless/horrible.
Then I drove over to Dad's to look at the house while he's away, but I saw someone's Mum who I haven't seen in a few years, and she asked me if I'd gained weight and said she could see it in my face and that I was looking 'healthier' and I don't even know where she's got that from because food-wise I'm more unwell now than I was the last time she saw me (I think...) but it was really, really unhelpful.
Then I got to Dad's and it was a mess... I don't think he's coping v well. I've been thinking it for a while for a few reasons but it was hard to see.
I ended up on the floor shaking and crying.
However, I have since made it back to York and showered, and the drive back was soothing.
I think I'm going to go over there on Friday after my appointment and try and clean up/fix things up a bit and stay over to Saturday. They're back Sunday but really late. I'm going to try and see L tomorrow morning too because I so desperately need a hug.
Everything feels big, scary and horrible and my head just keeps going to such a horrible place. I need to journal more and sleep and have a hug.
I'm sure the mum meant well and was trying to encourage. Sometimes people just don't know what to say.
Have you tried praying. Seems like such a hard thing to deal with without God. He's how I get through my tough times and helps me feel not alone and hopeless. Hugs.
Naomi, this is another poignant sharing of art and words. I'm sorry about all the crappy stuff life doles out. It can be so overwhelming. But I like the word "trying" in your tag line. That's the one I'm going to hang my hopes on. Keep trying.
@alophoto thank you - I'm really struggling with faith at the moment. I haven't been to church in yonks. I really wish I could have faith but I'm struggling. @lyndemc thank you - I am trying, sometimes that's all I can do! @hellie thank you, it's a good angst song! @kwind thank you xxx @taffy Thank you x @craftymeg Thank you xxx @pixiemac That's the plan Xxx
I'm sure the mum meant well and was trying to encourage. Sometimes people just don't know what to say.
Have you tried praying. Seems like such a hard thing to deal with without God. He's how I get through my tough times and helps me feel not alone and hopeless. Hugs.
@lyndemc thank you - I am trying, sometimes that's all I can do!
@hellie thank you, it's a good angst song!
@kwind thank you xxx
@taffy Thank you x
@craftymeg Thank you xxx
@pixiemac That's the plan Xxx
@overalvandaan thank you, it's the best way to manage I think