Saw a movie called Drinking Buddies the other night. Haven't we all had a "drinking buddy" like that at some point in our lives? I liked how the movie didn't end in a predictable way.
Got me thinking about soul mates or if there is a perfect someone out there for you. I don't believe in that. That bullshit we read in novels and see in movies about soul mates? I think it does us all a disservice about what to expect in a partner. Relationships and good communication take WORK. Yes, it's better when it happens easily (relationships should NOT be painful or aggravating) but to believe that a soul mate will just appear and totally understand you with little to no work, is just setting up a lot of people for failure or feeling like there is no one out there for them. Ever.
Don't get me wrong. I do believe that you can instantaneously connect with someone. You randomly meet someone in an unexpected place. They're cool as shit and it gets you thinking, "where has this person been all my life?" You could be "perfect" with them.
But what happens when you meet someone you connect with but you're already with someone who, you thought up until that point, is also pretty damn great for you too?
What I believe is that there is a number of people you can encounter and experience great chemistry (sexual or not) with, but it doesn't mean you will or should end up with them. Because sometimes when you do...it doesn't end up being as great as you anticipated.
It's kind of like in that movie The Beach when Leo DiCaprio talks about the initial stages of infatuation when you find any little coincidence as to why you should be with that person. But in the end...it may be these same things that you later find annoying and the reasons you break up.
I don't believe my husband is my soul mate. This is not to say that our love story isn't the best one I've experienced so far -- it is. I'm not at all saying that we aren't a good match either -- we are. However, I believe I have a couple of other kindred souls out there who "get" me immediately and "perfectly"...and those souls do not include my husband. I also believe a soul mate isn't always a romantic thing. To me, it has a category all its own -- different than romance, friendship, or being someone's lover. What I do believe is that my husband and I have a choice in being happy together -- that we work at our relationship, especially in the areas where we differ. I think it's nicer to know I willingly choose who and how I want to be with someone instead of leaving it up to fate or this notion of a romantic soul mate. On the flip side, it's nice knowing we can opt to leave if it doesn't work out after exhausting all efforts to make it happen. We aren't "stuck" with each other because...soul mates are supposedly for life, aren't they?
Today I was pleasantly reminded of the fruits of our work in my relationship with husband. Would it be awesome if husband and I didn't have to go through some bumps to get to resolution? Yeah, sure. It's not always hard, has gotten smoother in the time we have been together. But even when it is hard and we work through it, it's pretty rewarding. Our differences complement and complete the other. It's kind of a beautiful thing, actually.
My "drinking buddy" still walks the earth, doing his thing, loving his life. He is married. We text every now and then. Husband actually knows him...may not know he was a "drinking buddy" to me. We keep respectful boundaries. I don't love him, don't want to be with him, don't want to build a life with him. But it's cool knowing that such a person exists in my life. Husband has one of his own, I believe. Does it bother me? Not really. Because what we got...is better.
(P.S. The beer in this pic was pretty good if I recall. Apparently, I've discovered, between Flickr, Instagram, pics on my phone and on my hard drive, I take quite a number of pics of the alcohol I'm about to consume. Lol? Btw...my doc says it's okay for me to drink a little now, if I want. Woo hoo!)
Ok now you have got me thinking. I do believe in "soul mates" but of a different duration. Nothing is permanent everything is change, flux, birth, growth, decline; at least in our limited universe of time space. What was called me as a baby, as a young adult is not me at the present time. My soul mate partner today could not have been my partner in the past for I certainly am not the same I. I only hope that the we or I's who are soul mates change and evolve in a direction that increases our soul mateness. Who knows for only the now has reality!
Fark, Ms T, your posts usually come up in my feed just after midnight my time. Always interesting and entertaining. But this is so damn thought provoking! I think my head just imploded after reading it .... and I read it multiple times! I agree though, with your point that soul mates generally are just wishful thinking! Some achieve it though, you see people who are inseparable after being together all their lives, Some are here on 365. But do we have unrealistic expectations of our partners? Is just being comfortable with each other being truly happy? Do we settle for what is just "comfortable'"? Are we truly meant to be monogamous?Are we meant to be with the same partner all our lives (and many would say yes). But on the other hand, the other side of the fence, despite being appealing at the time, is rarely greener!
Thanks for the thought provoking shot and commentary. I can rely on you to "not blow smoke up my arse".... or ass as you would say! I normally unfollow people that say "great shot'" or "nice capture" lol....
@tosee You speak the truth, brother! I enjoyed your comment too!
@tosee@tomtom Oooh I love love both your comments and input. I find this topic so intriguing. So thank you both for your thoughtful responses. Seriously. I find that pretty fan-fucking-tastic.
@tosee I like your points. I totally agree with you when you say nothing is permanent. And while I don't necessarily believe in the concept of soul mates, I do think people should try to find the best fit for them. But you're right...that fit changes over time...as we change and grow. When I think about who I dated at 18....I thought he was great for me. He would not be a good fit for me now. I think as we get older and learn more about ourselves, we realizes where we are pliable and where we are fixed, this opening us up to connecting with all different sorts of people!
@tomtom you raise so many good question favor being comfortable, settling, etc... Now you got me thinking too.. In my love life (particularly when I was younger) the thing that got me all messed up was thinking that love should feel like butterflies and first kisses all the friggin time..just like the movies. When that would end, it made me think the relationship was over. I don't think anyone should ever settle for someone who doesn't rock their pants off. I don't know if we are built to be monogamous but I know that it seems to be human nature to expect that of ourselves.
Another thought provoking capture. Your text reads almost like a learned technical thesis, you've nailed that whole concept perfectly for me. The only person I know who 'gets me' is my daughter and she's a psychologist. I think our understanding is mutual but she's way smarter than I am. She, like you, can put all this stuff into words that make sense. Thanks again for another exploration into my thoughts.
@tonydebont you're welcome, Tony. And thanks for chiming in as well. I appreciate the comment about my text sounding like a "technical thesis". I don't know about that, but I do know in grad school we studied a lot about empathy, understanding, learning how to truly listen to someone. -- all the things a soul mate should do for you, I'm assuming. Maybe that has further shaped how I feel about this matter. Working in counseling/therapy, I practice those things the time. It's work, sometimes. It takes effort to be empathic and "get someone". That's why I think it's bullshit if people think that it SHOULD happen effortlessly. I can't tell you how many of my clients say to me "you're the only one who gets me." And it's not some magical thing...in fact, with a lot of my clients I have NOTHING in common with them. It's because I have studied and practiced and learned how to listen, validate, normalize, and be empathic to someone. There is no magic working there... Magic doesn't exist.
As for you and your daughter, it's really cool you have that connection. I often think my sisters could be my "soul mates". They really get me more than anyone else. Is it because they just naturally get me and something cosmic is at play here? Or is it because they've known me all their lives and we all have similar traits and personalities? I don't know. Probably both. But I also know us being sisters does not make us connect as easily as we do. I know a lot of siblings who don't.
Then there are those people who'll you might always have some sort of chemistry with...that is somehow always just more desirable simply because you don't go after them. But maybe that's a whole other topic already... Either way I find it fascinating and always interested to hear people's thoughts on it, especially if they differ from mine.
Wonderful post, Ms.T. This really has me analyzing some of my own relationships past and present... and yeah, an occaisonal drink can be a good thing. Moderation is the key.
I'm going to walk down a logical rabbit trail on this topic, if you don't mind, so bear with me.
It all comes down to whether you really believe there is a human "soul". If so, then do you also draw a connection of the soul to the existence of a spiritual dimension? If you then think that there is a spiritual dimension (which would be necessary if we have souls), then is there also a God that dwells in it? And if God truly exists, then who else is better suited than Him to connect you to the person that is best for you out of all the millions of people that exist in the world?
Thus we finally arrive at our logical destination - I believe that there can be a special "one" person that is best for everyone. However, rather than try to find him/her on your own (how do you know with the millions of options who is really best?) it makes the most sense to rely on God to connect you with that one person. Having done that, I can honestly say that my wife is also my best friend/drinking buddy. I still like to hang out with guy friends too (watch UFC events, grab a beer, play pool, see movies, etc), but I know that my choice in a spouse was the best one.
Hopefully that makes sense and isn't too much rambling :-).
@jbc2013 thanks, Josh. Hope you enjoyed your days at the beach. Looks like you did! The occasional drink is a fun thing, I think. And moderation in anything is key. I feel like I have to add that when I first started hanging out with my husband (I'd been seriously dating someone else), we connected on a lot of levels. When we finally got together, it was like...ohh ok...so maybe we actually still have to work at this to make it WORK. I think that's the very basic basic underlying thing of my ramblings. I don't think relationships should be so hard...and we should feel a connection and chemistry. I mean...that's the stuff that makes relationships fighting for...right?
@mikeable your comment makes a lot of sense. I personally do not believe in God, but I do believe in some idea of a "soul" and I do think spirituality can exist without a specific deity attached to it...as there are so many gods that people believe in -- Allah, Yahweh, Jesus Christ, etc.
That being said, if a connection with God is what one believes to help connect with their "soul mate", I do not think that is neither good or bad. I have a lot of different clients who express so many different beliefs about how their religion plays a factor in their life decisions. I do think it can get unhealthy if what they believe impairs their functioning. I was raised Catholic and have very Catholic parents. I do not practice any religion anymore. What I do remember is the Christian principle, "God helps those who helps themselves." So even if one trusts in God (any god) to lead them/connect them with the one soul mate, doesn't that person still have to help themselves out and do the work? I mean, I know you weren't saying this...but if a person who desperately wants to meet someone but spends all their time inside and never going out of the house for a job, to socialize, etc...wouldn't it be foolish for him to expect that God is going to drop a neighborly person at his door who just happens to be his soul mate without him doing ANY work?
I do appreciate your comment, btw. Makes the topic more interesting. Because I do not believe in god or organized religion, input like this is a nice reminder of how to keep in mind how others do see it.
@area2 thanks. The shot is just ok to me. Posted it more so for an image to go with the words...and because I friggin love beer :P. Also I'm pretty sure that ale or any alcohol with less chemicals is probably not ALL that much better for my liver lol.
June 10th, 2014
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Thanks for the thought provoking shot and commentary. I can rely on you to "not blow smoke up my arse".... or ass as you would say! I normally unfollow people that say "great shot'" or "nice capture" lol....
@tosee You speak the truth, brother! I enjoyed your comment too!
@tosee I like your points. I totally agree with you when you say nothing is permanent. And while I don't necessarily believe in the concept of soul mates, I do think people should try to find the best fit for them. But you're right...that fit changes over time...as we change and grow. When I think about who I dated at 18....I thought he was great for me. He would not be a good fit for me now. I think as we get older and learn more about ourselves, we realizes where we are pliable and where we are fixed, this opening us up to connecting with all different sorts of people!
@tomtom you raise so many good question favor being comfortable, settling, etc... Now you got me thinking too.. In my love life (particularly when I was younger) the thing that got me all messed up was thinking that love should feel like butterflies and first kisses all the friggin time..just like the movies. When that would end, it made me think the relationship was over. I don't think anyone should ever settle for someone who doesn't rock their pants off. I don't know if we are built to be monogamous but I know that it seems to be human nature to expect that of ourselves.
As for you and your daughter, it's really cool you have that connection. I often think my sisters could be my "soul mates". They really get me more than anyone else. Is it because they just naturally get me and something cosmic is at play here? Or is it because they've known me all their lives and we all have similar traits and personalities? I don't know. Probably both. But I also know us being sisters does not make us connect as easily as we do. I know a lot of siblings who don't.
Then there are those people who'll you might always have some sort of chemistry with...that is somehow always just more desirable simply because you don't go after them. But maybe that's a whole other topic already... Either way I find it fascinating and always interested to hear people's thoughts on it, especially if they differ from mine.
It all comes down to whether you really believe there is a human "soul". If so, then do you also draw a connection of the soul to the existence of a spiritual dimension? If you then think that there is a spiritual dimension (which would be necessary if we have souls), then is there also a God that dwells in it? And if God truly exists, then who else is better suited than Him to connect you to the person that is best for you out of all the millions of people that exist in the world?
Thus we finally arrive at our logical destination - I believe that there can be a special "one" person that is best for everyone. However, rather than try to find him/her on your own (how do you know with the millions of options who is really best?) it makes the most sense to rely on God to connect you with that one person. Having done that, I can honestly say that my wife is also my best friend/drinking buddy. I still like to hang out with guy friends too (watch UFC events, grab a beer, play pool, see movies, etc), but I know that my choice in a spouse was the best one.
Hopefully that makes sense and isn't too much rambling :-).
@mikeable your comment makes a lot of sense. I personally do not believe in God, but I do believe in some idea of a "soul" and I do think spirituality can exist without a specific deity attached to it...as there are so many gods that people believe in -- Allah, Yahweh, Jesus Christ, etc.
That being said, if a connection with God is what one believes to help connect with their "soul mate", I do not think that is neither good or bad. I have a lot of different clients who express so many different beliefs about how their religion plays a factor in their life decisions. I do think it can get unhealthy if what they believe impairs their functioning. I was raised Catholic and have very Catholic parents. I do not practice any religion anymore. What I do remember is the Christian principle, "God helps those who helps themselves." So even if one trusts in God (any god) to lead them/connect them with the one soul mate, doesn't that person still have to help themselves out and do the work? I mean, I know you weren't saying this...but if a person who desperately wants to meet someone but spends all their time inside and never going out of the house for a job, to socialize, etc...wouldn't it be foolish for him to expect that God is going to drop a neighborly person at his door who just happens to be his soul mate without him doing ANY work?
I do appreciate your comment, btw. Makes the topic more interesting. Because I do not believe in god or organized religion, input like this is a nice reminder of how to keep in mind how others do see it.