i waited until the match almost burnt down to my fingers before i lit up, thinking i might just change my mind...
nobody expects me to be superwoman but me, i guess. and maybe that one person at work...who got mad because last week i called out sick one day because i have some health matters to tend to. like REAL stuff. but, no, i guess i can't get sick. and i certainly can't tell him either that i wasn't just dicking around and taking a day off for shits and giggles - i can't self disclose. because to them, i'm not REALLY a person. just a receptacle to empty their problems.
"i can resist anything but temptation." at times this is so true. i'm having a hard time right now.
and you know what? i don't feel bad about this. is that wrong? i'll get back on track tomorrow. but it sucks knowing that i'm weak sometimes.
it's like when i wanna stay angry at my man for some infuriating shit he does, but then he turns around and does something simple that makes me forget it all...like maybe the way he touches the small of my back just so or says some stupid silly thing that reminds me when we first got together and all that wonderful "in the beginning" crap you say when you're so into a person that you have to consciously FORCE yourself to stop them from occupying those empty spaces in your mind and heart because you have to actually eat, sleep, work, breathe and carry on like a normal person. isn't that the shit though? the stuff that makes you feel alive? i love that feeling. am a fucking sucker for it. and when he does whatever he does, then i laugh or melt or smile and i forget that i'm supposed to be angry and call him out on HIS shit.
then i give in and i cave and it feels good...but then it doesn't. but mostly...it feels good, even though i'm annoyed at myself for not being stronger and forgetting to deal with the issue at hand.
i realize when i talk about drinking or smoking, i also often speak of love and desire and want. i think it's because in my life i have smoked and drank in some excess when I've been in love, out of love, out of luck. i work with people who struggle with addiction or are in recovery and they too often associate usage with both the negative and positive and the highs and lows in their life, usually revolving around love or sex, gains and losses. it's interesting to me how many of us reward AND punish ourselves with the same destructive behavior. humans are so interesting...
as luck (?) would have it...i took two drags of this and then somehow it broke in half. wasn't meant to be. but...those two drags were so fucking delicious.
my life lately has felt like two drags of something that feels good but is probably not so good for me...
That flame is really close, don't get burnt! Applies to life as well, huh? My friend told me "when you play with fire, you're going to get burnt". Has happened to me with women too many times to mention. Nice shot!
@soboy5 hi, Danny. Yep when you play with fire, you can get burned. I like to play with fire, sometimes quite literally. Someone needs to hide the matches for me. Ha. Thanks for your comment!
Ms. T, you are a very deep thinker and it shows in your photography but more in your words. Great shot by the way, I like the way you composed and executed the shot!
@thirdjoe thanks, Joe! I wanted to get a better, clearer shot of this but... I only had two matches left and no lighter. The first match blew out by itself and the second one was this one pictured here. I was scurrying to hold the camera up in front of me to snap the pic before the flame extinguished or before I decided to light up...the flame never died so... I lit up. Really, cigarettes are useless without something to ignite it. Damn that last match and lack of discipline lol. But it made for an interesting reflective moment for me that I wanted to capture.
Wonderfully simple photo with the match glow lighting the thumb and forefinger. One can feel the heat and desires to drop the match. Sometimes the heat is what makes life fun and extraordinary. A t that moment one should give into desire rather then carrying the unfilled longing. Longing, desire, passion, love, lust, drink, all combine to either enhance one's life or stay vacant in an empty room. They can dominate
and be overwhelming at times but after all life is short and the moment is fleeting into the next. Most of all be fully aware of the beauty of the moment and life.
If giving into the desires does no harm, which is hard to define, then yes. If fixated on desires then that is harm. Desires are strong but maybe if we take that desire and hold it in our hand and just observe it, not try to push it away just observe it, it may lose some of it's power. Life is so mysterious, how cool!
I agree with previous commenters that your picture/writing combinations are really great. The picture without the text is very good but without context. The text without the picture is a rant. Together, they epitomize the word synergy. Seriously.
And I'll reiterate what I said a couple of pictures back: Your mind is an interesting place to wander. Thanks for the extended roam.
@timerskine thanks, Tim. My mind is a maze of cotton candy and barbed wire -- a little bit fluffy and sweet sometimes but sharp and maybe a bit...dangerous to explore. Lol?
Danger? I'm a paramedic. I live for danger and long for adrenaline rushes. Things that don't raise my pulse rate are boring. Bring it on, sister.
"Maze of cotton candy and barbed wire" is an intriguing concept. That, and I think there's a band name in there somewhere. Something like Candy Floss Concertina.
Love the image, it must have been a tricky shot to take. I love your brain-dump too even though it stirs up some almost forgotten memories. At my time of life I am blessed/cursed by having no real all-consuming passions. A colourful sunrise does me fine for a high and a cruise on a beautiful ship gives me something to look forward to and remember at the completion.
Love the concept of "cotton candy and razor wire" - mine is just made of cotton yarn, gets me tied up but inflicts no pain.
@tonydebont yes it was tricky to take. I had two matches and one cigarette. It wasn't exactly what I envisioned but I went with it. I think I look forward to the days when a sunset or sunrise gives me a sufficient "high". Although, it doesn't seem that way now, I actually enjoy and prefer simple pleasures... It's just that my life isn't quite so simple right now... It'll even out somehow - that's the pattern of my life - feast or famine...and when it rains it pours.
@timerskine I actually like the shortened name Candy Floss lol. I think what I meant by dangerous was more like...cautionary. Cautionary For me. When I am left to my own thoughts, it's fun to dwell on the fluffy crap that floats around in my mind but then I seem to stumble upon some painful (just to me) things/memories/ideas - the barbed wire, if you will. And I'm like...shit - how'd I end up at these thoughts, I didn't think I'd end up pondering THAT. I don't think it's dangerous for others to explore my thoughts in the appropriate circumstances, depending on my relationship with them. At the same time i don't want this place to become a space where my thoughts are some amusement park for others. Too late for that, I guess.
I so love your writing and how your mind works! I met someone a few weeks ago that I am trying to not let occupy my free mind space, but it's not working so well :) I really do hope your can get healthy soon. How can you run and smoke, that would totally kill me! Good sign that it broke on you. Literally broke a habit :)
@baznman thanks, Baz! I say give in and let that person occupy your mind. Feels good to indulge sometimes. Yes, it is a good sign that the ciggie broke on me. Just my luck lol. Sometimes it's easier if a decision is made for you. Also...anytime I might slip up and have one cigarette or something...I really pay for it the next time I jog. No bueno.
July 31st, 2014
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and be overwhelming at times but after all life is short and the moment is fleeting into the next. Most of all be fully aware of the beauty of the moment and life.
Nice combination of photo and writing.
And I'll reiterate what I said a couple of pictures back: Your mind is an interesting place to wander. Thanks for the extended roam.
@timerskine thanks, Tim. My mind is a maze of cotton candy and barbed wire -- a little bit fluffy and sweet sometimes but sharp and maybe a bit...dangerous to explore. Lol?
"Maze of cotton candy and barbed wire" is an intriguing concept. That, and I think there's a band name in there somewhere. Something like Candy Floss Concertina.
Love the concept of "cotton candy and razor wire" - mine is just made of cotton yarn, gets me tied up but inflicts no pain.