The first time she cried on the subway, she was 23. She was in the middle of a breakup with her live-in boyfriend with whom she was STILL sharing an apartment even though they had broken up a month before. She had just finished a job interview and they were going to offer her the job. But the salary wasn't great and it would take her career in a direction further away from her goals...goals she wasn't even clear about then. Out of habit, she called him immediately from her cell phone to consult him, as she did with most life decisions at the time. She stood on the busy midtown street corner and dialed him at work. He picked up, listened quietly as she talked, and then spoke kindly but firmly.
"I can't help you with these decisions anymore," he told her. His voice was sad and barely audible.
And she knew he was right. She had been hopeful that maybe they would make amends but this told her that it was OVER. Really over. With a heavy heart she descended into the subway and got on the train to head back to the apartment she shared with him -- a mere vestige of what they had together. Her stomach and heart ached at the thought. She knew that if he wasn't going to move out, she would have to. It couldn't go on like this anymore.
The subway car was empty, save for a gentleman at the far end. At one stop, two subway performers came on, holding out their hats, singing doo wop...
"Are the stars out tonight...?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright...
'Cause I only have eyes for you...."
It was just enough to unleash the flood gates. This was not the kind of thing she needed to hear right then. Sure, she had boyfriends before but this was her first adult relationship. They had shared an apartment. They had bought furniture together. They even had a dog. Didn't that count for anything?
She felt lonely and alone as she silently cried all the way home.
This young woman would go on to think that she might never love again because, hey, that's what you think when you're 23 and think you're with THE ONE. She would take a long time to get over him. She also would think she might never be happy again. She also thought she just might never find a job that she would really love.
Looking back, her older self wishes she could tell that girl that her life was really just beginning. And she would also tell her that, while that relationship was awesome, it was also youthful and idealistic and it didn't teach her how to really communicate what she wanted or needed in a relationship. Her older self would also tell her that she had a lot of fucking up to do and a lot of eating humble pie and learning how to express herself and that she would make these mistakes with the next few boyfriends. But...not to worry! One of them would ask her to stick around in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer. And...she would actually say "I do."
She didn't know it then, but she was gonna be alright. She always would be.
(Pic taken today heading downtown after work. The car was surprisingly empty. Song on my iPod: "These Foolish Things" -- the version by Ella Fitzgerald at the Opera House.)
@timerskine the 23-year old Ms. T (and the 36-year old me) says you're welcome. And thank you for taking the time to read my words. I appreciate the kindness and friendship this forum has bestowed upon me :)
Great shot, T! I enjoyed reading your story. It takes a lot to open up like that. I think we've definitely all been there at 23(ish) thinking we would never be happy again. I'm glad we've grown up :)
That is some story Ms. T. I really felt transformed and absorbed. I'm glad there was a silver lining, we need those :) Thanks for sharing. Pretty slick shot of those seats. Really cool lighting and shine.
@adamj thanks, Adam :) The lighting in the subway is tricky. The seats were so shiny and I was trying to capture it with this cell phone pic. Not sure if I nailed it but I tried.
@michaelelliott yes the subways are not so photogenic lol. But a lot of unique angles and lines there. Thanks again for the visit and comment. Much appreciated!
Ms T...this shot is great - like the composition and the colours and shapes...but the story...thanks a real lot for sharing such an important moment...very touching, mostly because it is so true and and because most of us can relate to similar moments! A Fav - both for the photo and for the words! :)
I'm happy she found the real, true one who would pledge his constancy.
I'm grateful that the 23 year old was strong enough to make it on her own to find that oh so lucky guy.
Because without these other things, I wouldn't have made this friendship.
Ms. T, if you happen to see that 23 year old again, thank her for me, would ya?
@michaelelliott yes the subways are not so photogenic lol. But a lot of unique angles and lines there. Thanks again for the visit and comment. Much appreciated!