Everything that keeps me together is falling apart...

"I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over..."

This song played on my iPod randomly yesterday as I sat alone at my dining table, eating. Husband was at work. Suddenly I was moved to tears as I listened to the lyrics. I had a...weird day yesterday. Too many complex thoughts to articulate, all of them too personal to share here but I felt compelled to write something about it. I have a feeling I need to remember this.

Baby cum angels fly around you
reminding you
we used to be three
and not just two
And that's how the world began
And that's how the world will end

There's something going on and it's not happening to me -- but I'm on the sidelines in a way and it has had an unexpected effect on me. The above lines in the song are what started to make me cry. For some reason, it stirred something deep inside me. I know what feelings and thoughts it triggered about things I don't know if I even want as part of my life plan, but I suppose the details are irrelevant to anyone else but me.

The last time I cried like this was when I was with the BF I dated before I started dating my husband. The deal was - I was developing an emotional bond with him while dating that ex-BF. Playing emotional footsie, if you will. (please spare judgement). I'll admit it was kinda fun and exciting but mostly...just emotionally overwhelming. It's not fun feeling like you might be in love with two people at the same time. I remember he made it clear to me that he wanted to be with me but, as long as I had a boyfriend, he was going to move on.

And move on, he did. I remember when he told me he had found someone. That night I had gone to my boyfriend's apartment for dinner, slept with him in his bed like everything was normal. I woke up later that night...and just started bawling...thinking about another man, feeling like I had lost the love of my life...feeling guilty as hell. The BF woke up, alarmed to see me like that, asking what was wrong, offering help like the kind and sweet man he was.

I remember saying to him, "Please just let me cry and don't ask me why." And he did. I didn't even want to be held. Somehow he knew this and just sat there quietly while I cried.

Last night's tears held a similar kind of pain but for a totally different circumstance. Yeah maybe I'm just fucking weird...

Can your heart break for something that doesn't exist, doesn't belong to you, isn't meant to be? I've pondered this before.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I've written a bunch without saying much that makes sense to anyone but me. But I suppose I'll file this away, learn from it, grow...

Don't read this. Half of you won't. Those of you who do, thanks for wandering through my thoughts with me...

(pic taken 7/22/14 but posted for 7/20/14 because Sundays are for selfies)

[Tom]

Lovely photo and very powerful soulful writing. True deep expressions, so personal, that tears form on the heart, when revealed. Always beautiful and moving so rarely shared but often hidden!

[Danny G.]

Very poignant narrative. Love is a powerful and dangerous emotion. Nice selfie!

[Ms. T]

@tosee thanks for your comment, Tom. Appreciate your visit and you reading my muddled thoughts :)

@soboy5 hi, Danny! You're so right. Love is powerful. So is loss. So is desire...

[Andrew S]

Oh boy, aren't we so complex! I hear you, sister. No judgement here! I read this, yes the whole thing, wound back the clock to a much darker and confusing time...

[Ms. T]

@tomtom honestly appreciate you reading this, Andrew. I never know how these things come across but I sometimes need the space to contemplate. Thanks for your comment. And yes we are complex!

[Thomas Toth]

"Can your heart break for something that doesn't exist, doesn't belong to you, isn't meant to be?" Yes. It can. I've experienced something very similar, but chose to swallow the new emotions and stay in the old. The "what if" still haunts me to this day. However, that was many (17+) years ago, but some days it feels like yesterday. I know this ache. :)

[Ms. T]

@thomastoth so you know this feeling too. Good to know am not alone. Thanks for the comment, Thomas! For me when I went through it, I remember feeling like my heart was literally breaking...I had to end the relationship I was in because the "what if" feelings were unbearable. Unfortunately that dragged out for another 2 months...but I did end up with my husband now because I took that chance. As painful and as hard as it was, I don't think I have ever felt more alive. And it was a lesson in my life that whenever I feel that sense of loss or what if... I need to fully examine it.

[Joe III]

Ms. T, thanks for sharing such deep personal feelings. I have had similar feelings myself. You are right, life is complex, we as human beings are complex and the paths our life takes can be confusing with no clear right choices. I read all of what you wrote. If you want an ear to bounce your thoughts off or someone to just listen. You have my number and my email address. It is clear that you are a very deep thoughtful person. I am here if needed.

[Ms. T]

@thirdjoe thanks for your offer and for chiming in. Much appreciated. :) I feel like I must clarify here that I am ok...things with husband are good... I'm just reflecting on life decisions, plans, goals... It's hard when something isn't clear...when there is no resounding yes or no answer to the questions of "should I or shouldn't I?" Or "do I want this or don't i". And whatever the answer may be, it affects the one closest to you. Life is hardly ever simple.

[brianarmoured]

Not muddled. Very clear and full of pain, confusion and anxiety. I get it.

[Charles]

Interesting photo and well written thoughts, and I'll leave it at that because I suck at words.

[Ms. T]

@brianarmoured thanks, Brian. Definitely some confusion there...

@zosimasy Well for saying that you "suck at words", I liked your comment. I really don't expect anyone to know what to say or say anything at all. Just happy that they acknowledge whenever they do. Thanks for reading. :)

[Charles]

@fauxtography365 you're welcome :)

[Tony]

Such a sweet image and such deep dark and revealing thoughts. Is that fact that you work with disturbed people contagious ?? Listening to others unloading their fears, concerns, worries, etc . These feelings surely find a home somewhere. Perhaps you are being used as a dumping ground. That must surely play with your head.
Ignore all that, just the wanderings of an addled brain.
Love the selfie.

[Ms. T]

@tonydebont thanks, Tony. I think I've always been introspective or maybe even live "inside my head" too much -- working in mental health does not makes this kind of anguish. To an extent, yes, I am kind of an emotional dumping ground. But their turmoil isn't contagious. I am able to compartmentalize and leave work stuff at work. But the heavy content does leave a residue on me. I think when you're used to being a caregiver, you forget that other people are capable of listening and hearing you too. I don't know if that makes sense...

[Tim Erskine]

So, I read it all the way through. Thanks for letting me wander through your thoughts. From the few times I've been there, I find it an interesting place to be.

[Ms. T]

@timerskine interesting? Sure is. Thanks for wandering through my thoughts!

[Kyle]

In my opinion, statements of the heart touch others often without intention. Your write up is clear as a bell to me - thanks for letting the rest of us know that we are not alone....

[Aaron]

There's this girl in NY who cries over me for no reason, which is okay. She's a bit weird, but in a good way. We haven't met, but we know each other. Not a full picture, but the pieces are coming together. ;)

[Ms. T]

@grizzlysghost LOLOL, Aaron! Thanks for the comment and making me smile. That girl sounds like a weirdo ;) and no...not a full picture yet. :P. Hope you've been well!

[Aaron]

I'm doing pretty great T, currently in Florida setting my son up for college. Damn, going to be an empty house soon! I'm used to change, so we'll just take this in stride and keep on keeping on! :)

[Ms. T]

@grizzlysghost glad to hear, Aaron. And good luck to your son! What a fun time he's about to begin in life. Hope the weather is holding up for you. :)

[Aaron]

Thanks T! Florida's a fickle lady; nice in the mornings and stormy in the afternoons. ;) We had a great thunderstorm pass through yesterday evening though, great fun! (I dig severe weather events.) Are we really talking about the weather? LOL, we need to get some coffee sometime!

[Ms. T]

@grizzlysghost we could be talking about the weather ;). I too like some storms myself. Lol yes coffee or a beer. Seriously though if ever in my neck of the woods...