Well, I guess there's no better time then November to fall into a little depression. February could probably try and compete, but one great thing about February is that it's shorter than any other month. Plus it's close to spring. November is not close to anything good. It's close to short days, long nights, cold showers, big comfortless jackets and slippery streets. If you'd like to get depressed, it's just perfect.
And it's exactly how I feel. Especially when I'm a city. I'm coming to a conclusion that I'm just not a city person. It sounds kind of funny given that I'd lived in my home city of Saint Petersburg for 27 years before impulsively deciding to leave it for the first time. And I used to hate spending summers in our country house when I was a teenager (which I guess is understandable). But in those whole 27 years I don't think I'd ever felt myself complete or happy.
I vividly remember the first time I felt complete and happy. I just turned 27 (it seems, a lot of important things happened to me at that age) and I flew to Iceland for a week-long trip, knowing nothing about this country. Iceland Air had just launched direct flights from St Petersburg to Reykjavik and tickets were extremely cheap. So, my friend and I decided to try and go there. Then my friend couldn't make it, and I went alone.
It was my second day there when I reached Gullfoss waterfall. Air was extremely humid and tiny drops of water were covering all my clothes, my backpack, my hair, my face and my photo camera. My hoodie was wet and so were my jeans. I tried to protect the camera, but the more I tried the more moist it seemed to become.
In a few minutes I got up to the cliff. The trail was dirty and slippery, so my shoes got all covered in pitchy mud. I wiped the camera with my t-shirt which had started to get wet, but there still were some dry sections. Then I stood there on the cliff watching how this unbelievably giant flow fells down the rocks, while little drizzles on my face were getting together in larger ones that trickled down my cheeks, my neck and then my chest under the all-wet t-shirt.
And I remember me thinking that moment, "Oh, my god, this is happiness. This is what happiness feels like." Of course, this feeling didn't stay long. It came off just few minutes later. But those were few unforgettable minutes.
I've felt this way many times since, but don't think I've ever felt it in any city. Well, at least not in any Russian city. Which makes me think I'm just not a city person. And going out to the city this morning, while it was November, and all the waterfalls I knew were far away, and I'd failed the challenge once again not taking any photo for almost a week, and I still had no exact plans for the future, I was feeling a little depressed.
Then I walked into a bakery filled with a beautiful day light coming from lengthy bright windows, ordered a cup of tea, switched on my laptop and thought, "Well, that's not that bad. You can probably start by taking a photo. And maybe everything else will come after."
Taking pictures can get you out of your head and into your heart. I don't like winter but the older I get (and its getting pretty old) the faster it goes by.
November 5th, 2019
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