I don't have any addictions, I deal with compulsions - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD...
I don't really talk about it much, I don't care to, and am not sure I can really explain it. Only a few people know of the full extent and even then they don't really know as they're not experiencing it....
This is a brief insight.....
I count and count and count, time, numbers, organisedness and count..I get twitchy about time, I can't wear digital watches or have digital clocks around me - I add the numbers of the time up, then I count the dashes which make up the numbers and see if they make the same number, if not I work out the time when this will happen next....I count all the time, folds in curtains, angles in eyebrows, lamposts...anything..not just once but over and over and over...I also need to have the same amount of footsteps on surfaces, avoid cracks...I need to feel balanced.
Life is ruled by lists, lists of lists, which is practical and also a royal pain in the arse!
Some friends know I count..and I feel a few treat it like a joke and I have caught some watching me trying to work out what I'm counting. It can feel a lonely existence.
It's heightened by stress and can be triggered by 'little' things like change of a planned time or location. On the whole it's been fairly controllable but this past year it's been worse....(to be continued)
I'm a numbers girl too - so I can somewhat relate! I will count my steps as I walk, avoid cracks in the pavement - and so on. But it's only a passing thing when it happens, and doesn't impact my life the way your habits do! I feel like the attention to detail in your images makes a bit more sense now - this one is no exception.
There's a lot of soul baring coming out with this theme. Some people have taken it lightly, like me, and others it has clearly touched deeply.
I'm not sure we don't all have this disorder to some extent. For example I find it a little offputting that all your 9s aren't the same colour (and blue is the right colour, by the way). Unless I have an extremely good reason, my photos have to be 3:2 (square is allowed, at a push). Even a pixel or so off caused by cropping can be enough to annoy me, although I can ignore it and don't notice it unless I look at the image information. A slice of bread has to be folded along the long edge, not the shorter edge. Unless it has a rounded end, in which case it has to be folded so that the rounded end meets itself (if you see what I mean). All minor things, I know, and I know I can go against them if I want to be bloody minded about it. I'm not trying to belittle what you go through at all - I know it must be an order of magnitude beyond my silly little ways - rather I'm trying to say that those friends making fun of you probably have their own little foibles, even though they probably don't let on and they're maybe not so visible, so try not to let those folks get you down.
If I may be ever so slightly American for a moment - thanks for sharing :)
@kaesebiscuit you have a lot of ink in your pen, Mr B( I hope that doesn't have a hidden meaning because if so, I am totally unaware of it)! I'm trying to get round the bread bit and how it relates to numbers! Ms Tabbycat will probably chase her tail after this lot! Again, I hope there is no hidden meaning in this statement! I am but a simple and naive NZer!
@tabbycat "I think we R all a little PCS" Exactly! See, I could have said that in much fewer words, @maggiemae but I like the sound of my own... that is... the sight of my own typing. Or something. And no, the bread doesn't relate to numbers, I was just trying to say that that's something that doesn't really make any sense but I feel has to be done a certain way - a small kind of compulsion.
I like pie ! but really, everyone has their quirks. Embrace the quirk ! Love the quirk ! Quirk the quirk ! Ok, I don't know what the last one means but do it any way. @houdiniem count away ! If you need help counting, I will help you. @kaesebiscuit fold away. If you need help folding, I will help you fold. Marilyn said it best :
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So there ! and I still like pie !
Hugs, some of us do understand! You are not alone, our problem may not be exactly the same, but there is something about a lot of us that makes a different than the rest to the extent we feel the need to hide. Again, Hugs. Dawn
Great shot and thanks for sharing your story here. You portrayed this really well, lady! I wash my hands a lot. Waaay more than the average person. In the winter, they crack and bleed.
You must fucking hate it at my place then 4 digital clocks in one room.:D
I always have to know what the time is and I constantly wan
der around when stressed :D
@johnnyfrs I wander around the house while brushing my teeth. Always have. And I have to wipe the toothbrush dry EXACTLY five times. If youve ever lives in the tropics and have brushed ur teeth with a mouldy toothbrush, you will know why. Lol!
@kaesebiscuit I rarely eat sandwiches, but when I do, I can never eat the last corner of bread. I have to throw it away, even if it's been a particularly good sanger!
Amazingly powerful and honest and raw. You are so talented, and such an amazing artist and person. We all have our quirks and compulsions, small and large. Embrace it and use it to make beautiful art, just like you already do.
I appreciate your honesty and the photo. We all have our shit, and if we knew the extent to which we shared our f'ed-upness, the world would get a whole lot better real fast.
Both brave and honest. I have read a lot about CBT in recent years and if your compulsions are at any point interfering with your life, it might interest you.
Yes we do all have our quirks and yes most of us have traits of OCD but full blown OCD can be very debilitating. Emily this is very brave and raw and honest and powerful and I hope you will be ok.
I'm not sure we don't all have this disorder to some extent. For example I find it a little offputting that all your 9s aren't the same colour (and blue is the right colour, by the way). Unless I have an extremely good reason, my photos have to be 3:2 (square is allowed, at a push). Even a pixel or so off caused by cropping can be enough to annoy me, although I can ignore it and don't notice it unless I look at the image information. A slice of bread has to be folded along the long edge, not the shorter edge. Unless it has a rounded end, in which case it has to be folded so that the rounded end meets itself (if you see what I mean). All minor things, I know, and I know I can go against them if I want to be bloody minded about it. I'm not trying to belittle what you go through at all - I know it must be an order of magnitude beyond my silly little ways - rather I'm trying to say that those friends making fun of you probably have their own little foibles, even though they probably don't let on and they're maybe not so visible, so try not to let those folks get you down.
If I may be ever so slightly American for a moment - thanks for sharing :)
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So there ! and I still like pie !
; )
I always have to know what the time is and I constantly wan
der around when stressed :D
@kaesebiscuit I rarely eat sandwiches, but when I do, I can never eat the last corner of bread. I have to throw it away, even if it's been a particularly good sanger!
Fantastic idea an original!
@bobfoto that's why I looked at the one
@johnnyfrs yes it drives me mad!
@kjarn thanks Kathy