"There's a storm inside my head and it's killing all the flowers" -a.k.
I was so determined to try and make today a good day after the nightmare that was yesterday. I tried so hard. I let myself sleep in a little this morning. Then I took myself on a mediumish drive to a national trust place. I walked around the fardens with my camera and around the house/gallery. I had the windows in my car with happy music. I picked my flatmate up and went to the range quickly then came back and chilled.
But it didn't work. I'm not okay. I was almost in tears so many times walking around the gardens. Thoughts kept coming into my head (I kept trying to be mindful and in the moment but it's hard going sometimes). I feel flat. My legs are even worse since changing the type of quetiapine and it's sometimes unbearable. There were bikes at this place and old me would have gone on a long cycle ride and enjoyed it. Current me saw a sign directing people from one place to another - it said it was a 5 minute walk and I debated taking my car because my legs are so bad.
I feel so broken. I just hate it. I hate all of it. I don't know what else I can do. I desperately want to be okay and live my life but I don't know how to make that happen.
Just maybe you don't have control over which are the good days and the bad days. They just arrive and all you can do is deal with them in the best way possible. If that means taking the car, or shedding tears then so be it. Im praying that one day you will wake up and just realise that you can function for a while without all the ***** going on in your head. And then another day, it will be a little while longer. And that you will be able to embrace it and be hopeful once more.
