Maakye's push for me this week was to make an image that brought back a happy memory of my son Halil, For those of you who may not know he committed suicide in December 2014.
This actually turned out to be a very challenging week to have such a prompt because today we received all the items back that Police took from the scene of his death including his diary. I bought this book for him when he was 9 years old, he liked it because it had lightning on the cover. He did not write much more than cheat codes for video games and doodles in it until the night he died. He wrote how he was feeling about the trouble he had got himself into. As with most things to do with Halil there is a happy memory mixed up with a sad one, my mind seems to follow strings of thoughts that have knots in them all the time.
what really pissed me off today was the realisation that this was not all he wrote that night, he had a letter to us in his pocket and the police and coroner never told us about it these 20 months, . How the hell can they justify that?
Hopefully this is a full stop on a lot of the pain and I can start to reclaim the happy memories.
@maayke here is something, more difficult than it should be for many reasons. my sympathies to you on the loss of your brother, Halil has 4 brothers and they have a lot of hurt.
This is a difficult task, the memories can be complicated and intertwined with loss and unmet expectations. I like the qualities of innocence and fun in this shot. I imagine you can pull the joy out for moments between the greif. My brother Brian committed suicide February 2015. The loss is smothering. Attempts to remember the sweet, joyful bright days give me moments to use making memories now, which make me feel like I can bring him along. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about the letter, people can be so careless with the details, I'm sure that's absolutely precious to have back.
it hurts when a wound just starting to heal is once again opened. but i hope this is the closure that you need in order to keep healing. cherish the happy memories; they help seal the wound. ♥ hugs, my friend.
I have tears in my eyes Kali. How unbelieveable that you only just got his letter. I hope it has been helpful to read, as difficult as it must be. I love your photo, the colours and the memory. Stay strong xx
I bought my son a journal last year (when he turned 9) and he has written in it once he said. I always found journaling helped me, I have stacks of them from my young adult years. I'm yet to read them, in fact most of them are in NZ!
I can't help but think how much Halil's life and death affect your photography. I don't know of anyone that has the same feeling in their photos. I pray your message brings you comfort.
You'd think it's the first thing the police would show you! Reading it now, 20 months later, must be so hard and painful. Thinking of you and your family, Kali, big hugs!
It seems wrong to comment with so little real understanding of the anguish, but then again it seems wrong not to. You shared enough for me to be so moved. So many thoughts arise. So many questions. you bring so much feeling into your photography - I hope that it is therapeutic for you. I trust that the happy memories will flood in and bring peace again.
I cannot imagine the pain you feel - I'm so very sorry. Although it must be so hard to receive the letter after such a long time, I hope it also brings you all some comfort.
September 22nd, 2016
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I bought my son a journal last year (when he turned 9) and he has written in it once he said. I always found journaling helped me, I have stacks of them from my young adult years. I'm yet to read them, in fact most of them are in NZ!