my september self stories self-destructed mid-way through the month. or make that i self-destructed.
you see, the reason i have not really made good on my promise to write that damn novel is because there are so many memories critical to the novel that are just too painful to reminisce.
most people think, that includes my family and most especially partner, that i am this invincible person and that i can take anything by the balls. what they don't realize is that the stronger the person seems to be, inside the build up of emotions is just dangerously running over the rim. but what to do? you go on and try to gather strength and energy as you much as you can, hoping you'll have enough for the next drama, for the next crisis. where do i get that strength from? from the belief that when you're down there's no way left but up, and that someone will come along and pick me up. sometime ago, i voiced out that i am so tired of always being the one who has to take care of everyone and everything. that i need to be cared for, too, and there's no one to take care of me. in my darkest mood, i remember what my mother, god bless her soul, a long time ago told me, that we are not given a burden that we cannot carry; if we are given a heavier burden, it's because we have more capacity to be strong.
if there's anything i want you to know about me, it is that i am fiercely loyal to my family and to my friends. that loyalty is like a mirror. once it's cracked, there's no way it can be repaired. i am very slow to forgive and even slower to forget, but i give people their second chances, however, the re-build is a slow process. i hurt, too, and sometimes, quite easily. i just have a good practice of hiding my pain.
-o0o-
for the five plus two's "fragile" theme, although the fragile doesn't show. but i can tell you, my ears were itchy with those fake earrings. i am so delicate that way - can't have fake, can't have silver, can't have platinum. needs to be yellow gold at least fourteen carats or the skin breaks out like acne on a teenager's forehead.
tagging this, too, for the current artist challenge, jan vermeer being the featured artist. you know, the girl with the pearl earring? well, this is a near-parody, let's call it 'grandma with the cameo earring'. of all those costume jewellery in my box of 365 props, there is not a pair of pearl earrings. blimey!
I love the way your words ring with honesty. I have to believe that who you present is who you are. I think all of us feel weaker inside than we look outside. I am constantly feeling like I failed something when people who know me list success after success. The weak moments feel easier to believe.
I used to think we all fail in the end, caving under that one final burden that does prove too much and no one gets out alive. But the longer I live the more I believe we all succeed because in all this wondrous universe we get our moment to breathe and that is a miracle.
Well put my friend and so true. Continue to embrace your strengths and cover your vulnerabilities with the love of your family and friends and take comfort they too have that inner strength called love to cover your wounds in time of need. Lovely narrative and beautiful composition, I do love the processing. FAV
Wow! Excellent edit Vikki. What did you use for it? I'm sorry to hear the memories are too painful, I promise i won't push you to finish it. Any time you need a hug, you just let me know. I'll try to lift you up. You have my email address from the Hatters request last weekend, or just mention me here on 365.
@bill_fe - i ended up poking around on my pse 11. wow! that sucker's got sooooo many stuff in it. i just don't know how to use it. that's why now, i am so behind on commenting because i've been playing around with the darn thing. to think it's been there on my laptop for two years. tee-hee!
@summerfield I have the same problem with Lightroom. I've had versions 3 - 5. I have a book for 5, barely started reading it. I get too involved with the photos and tagging, etc. I really need to sit down with the book and sit at the PC, so I can learn its capabilities. I'm still way behind on commenting from my camping weekend. I still haven't even looked at all my photos, haven't posted any from Saturday and Sunday yet. I've done very little commenting also.
Lovely portrait, the processing is very effective. You don't have to write a novel if it's too painful, it's sometimes best to try to put painful memories at the back of your mind, that is what I try to do, but it doesn't alway work! : )
I like your textured processing and the picture works very well for Vermeer. One thought - if you are the one always looking after everyone, its because you see strong. You have to let the fragile part of you show to be looked after or cared for. Weeping is good!
Beautifully done and told. Love your work here. You are a strong beautiful woman. Hope that someday someone takes care of you for a bit. Hugs and a fav.
Such a stunning picture! I love it. I agree wholeheartedly with you that even the strongest have a weakness somewhere. Everyone needs to have an anchor.
Oh, Summerfield what a great image and painfully, human story. You can't always be strong, hope your hubby, family hold you tight when you feel wobbly!
a striking image of a very beautiful woman! :-D
We are all fragile in our own way, and perversely, it is once we know and accept that of ourselves, we can become just a little stonger..
As you know I am a person of deep faith and through that I have learned that what appears to be a weakness or even defeat is often the opposite. It takes nothing to appear to be strong. It is all smoke and mirrors. But to be transparent and honest takes all the strength in the world. Yes, facing pain is not pleasant or desirable, but the fact that you know at some point you must do it, shows you have the strength and fortitude to conquer that pain when you are ready. The One who took the weight of that pain to the cross, is the way you get through it. You are an incredibly insightful person and also incredibly protective. I can't say enough about how giving you are!! So I know the deepness of the pain you are alluding to. I will tell you this, if I could take it for you, I would!! Now, on to the picture- it's GREAT!! I have been noodling with an idea in my head but I don't think mine is going to come anywhere near to this! (Especially since I don't have any earrings!) I see this one going to the top of the vote! fav
I used to think we all fail in the end, caving under that one final burden that does prove too much and no one gets out alive. But the longer I live the more I believe we all succeed because in all this wondrous universe we get our moment to breathe and that is a miracle.
We are all fragile in our own way, and perversely, it is once we know and accept that of ourselves, we can become just a little stonger..
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